#AusPol winners and losers: Who escaped judgement this week

Approx Reading Time-11Once more into the blergh dear friends. A surprise defection, twin insults and the brilliance of being disliked. What a week in #AusPol it was. So, who won?


Every Friday, The Big Smoke announces the winners and losers of the nation’s most brutal form of competitive entertainment. So who marches victorious from the #AusPol arena this week?



One Nation – for bringing King Solomon back (yeah!). You only get one nation. One opportunity. Would you take it? Or just let it slip, yo? This week, Rod Culleton loosely, sort of, threw his hat into the ring, claiming that he may split from One Nation. There’s vomit on his Oxford already, Pauline’s fish cakey.

With the leadership set to be cut in half to see who’d value the whole party more (King Solomon, represent!) we might see, for the first time, more than one nation. Which, for those of you on the Right side of the bus, is rather good news indeed, because more One Nation. This new One Nation (which is newer than the old one) may actually find itself further Right than the far-Right: those who don’t care for the gaming community, or see Pauline as too moderate a voice. You there, scoffing on the Left side of the bus, feel free to shift the Sea Shepherd to drop anchor in Lake Burley Griffin as a response.

However there’s a problem. As Highlander taught us, there can only be one (nation).

So, as branding will be paramount, as there can’t be two one nations, may we suggest:

  • First Nation Party
  • One Notion, Two Nations
  • Nuevo uno Nacional partay
  • The new cons on the block
  • AAAAA 24/7 One Nation


Peter Dutton – for disproving the theory that the Internet was a worthwhile invention. Oh, Peter. How we love to hate you. In the words of another great antagonist, Barry Bonds: “you’ve got to have some serious talent to have 53,000 people saying you suck,” and so it is with our Immigration Minister this week. The man possesses an innate genius to rankle a large proportion of the populace with a few trite words, but what makes him bastardly refreshing that…it always changes. When we shake our fists at him, it feels like the first time.

Dutt Dastardly struck again this week, when he surreptitiously proved that the Internet was actually meaningless, after he endured a solid 48 hours of varied but persistent hate from people who wanted his job (linked by the now-infamous, and presumably soon recycled hashtag #SackDutton). At the time of printing, he still holds his job and the Internet equals nothing.

The destruction of the Internet may be Dutton’s masterpiece, but another piece of work hanging up is a depiction of him shooting down the warbling lorikeet of our national idealism, the Immigration Nation, stating that we made a mistake in helping people come to the country under the empathetic watch of Malcolm Fraser.

He has since refined his point saying that he wants “to make sure that we have the best possible country”.

It’s like watching Michelangelo work. Except he paints in brushstrokes of our anger.

Also on The Big Smoke



Bill Shorten – for his vaudeville impersonation. For those of us who have sat through Chicago know two things: 1) Richard Gere manipulates puppets (entendre, ho!) and 2) John C Reilly’s warbling of Mr Cellophane. Reilly’s roll is that of Amos Hart, a good man with the right values, and thus because of which he is ignored by everyone. The same goes for our opposition leader; with the Coalition doing its best to bugger itself with a fishfork, what’s required is a strong voice of opposition.

Instead, across the aisle of power, we walk right by him, look right through him, and never know he’s theeeerrreeeeee.

Sadly the lion’s share of criticism has fallen to those within the party, or to the general populace. Both of which can be ignored.

Come back Bill, the left needs you.

And that’s jazz.


George Brandis and Sam Dastyari – for providing the public with an “Idiot’s Guide” to televised insults. As anyone who has tried to publicly insult someone will attest, it behoves one to write their insults down first, you know, so it comes out right.

Our politicians understand what we common Australians face, so the Dastyari and Brandis comedy troupe decided to show us how it is done. Debuting at yesterday’s Question Time, the hook well thought out, the punchline well aimed, and the counter punch timed to perfection, it’s like watching comedy legends Abbott and Costello work. (Not those ones.)

Also on The Big Smoke


Honourable mentions

The “Golden Emerson”, awarded to those who waste everyone’s time with complete verbal tosh, goes to:

Rod Culleton – for ditching work to go to work. Good week for Rod, as other than shaking the One Nation tree, he also decided to duck out on his responsibilities by wagging Question Time. However, in the great square tradition of cutting class to go study in the library, Culleton traded the Senate for the House of Reps.

Incidentally, when the bell rang he legged it back to class.

You’re a rebel, Roderick.


Photos or it didn’t happen

Best frenemies at heart George Brandis and Penny Wong were spotted in QT, stepping out in sweet matching numbers, with the caucus swooning over the level twelve siren cuteness of the outfits. Is this union set to heat up? And what would the CFMEU say about it? Stay tuned…


Pollie Gossip person.


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