#AusPol winners and losers: Who put their tongue in the socket this week?

Approx Reading Time-11Outlawed grass-stains, a sun-hat’s day in the sun, and farmyard poultry possessing the body of a Senator; seemingly a normal week in #AusPol. But who won? No-one?


It’s Friday morning, which means another week in the death race of AusPol has passed us and it’s time for us to crown a victor – and mock those vanquished. Losers. So, where did your favourites place on the ladder?



Helen Polley’s sombrero: It must be a tough existence being an outlandish hat in the possession of politician. As appearance is all, your vibrant, and “foreign” charms would be seldom called upon. However, refuting tradition (and perhaps logic), the suitably named politician from Tasmania gave a requisite lack of fucks, plucking the hat from the depths of the wardrobe in order to farewell the outgoing George Brandis.

Well done, hat.


Parliamentary security police: T’was a grand week for those who failed the police entrance exam as the parliamentary constabulary jerked the arm of the national conscience behind its back and asked it to leave the building, mate. Before catching headlines for breaking apart the adhesive bond of protestors who invaded Parliament House on Wednesday, their power trip was doubled-down on Monday when the Government emboldened them to tell miscreants to stay off the grass.

Moreover, probs best to send a nice box of Roses to the protestors you escorted out, as their shenanigans stopped the ban from being repealed.


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Malcolm Turnbull: for being the player that the game hates. Protests against refugees are seemingly like waiting for a bus in classic stereotype fare. You wait an age for one to arrive, and then two show up. Great, right? Yeahnah. Pity then poor Malcolm, the unlucky cherub who can’t catch a break.

This week, Young Malcolm scrabbled together an artwork in crayon called the ABCC bill, and bless, finally got a shiny, shiny sticker for his efforts, so the little tucker ran all the way home to show us what he’d done, and perhaps see it magnetised on the fridge door. Which we kind-of-almost did, for a fuzzy hour or two.

But, no sooner did Mally believe that he closed off the year with a win, he heard the sound of fate knocking evermore, as the loud-voices and glued hands of the critics reminded us all of Malcolm’s failings. The ABCC, despite all the rhetoric, all the dealings, all the Leyonhjelm, is now a steaming pile of “who cares”, consigned to the bin in the kitchen alongside the leftovers that the dog didn’t touch.

On behalf of the commonwealth, I fucking well hope not.


The Left: for having a confusing week. The week from the left side (yeah, that’s the crip side, ssssnnnnnoooooooP!) of the political dance-floor read thusly:

Meaningful protest against Coalition’s refugee policy = Good.

The Greens agreeing with the Coalition on a deal that One Nation did most of the legwork in pushing = Not so good.

Great words of support was earned from a governmental titan = Nope.

However, there is a constant in the darkest of days, in the most dire of equations, in this ever-shifting word of who did what to who, because there’s a person that’s always there, always present, biased and utterly unrelatable.

God bless you, Peter.


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Honourable mentions

The “Golden Emerson” – awarded to those who waste everyone’s time with complete verbal tosh, goes to:

Malcolm Roberts: for reminding the Senate what a goose looks like.

Australian politics…



The “Bushie” – the George W Bush commemorative plaque to honour outstanding performance in the field of trumpeted “fact”, goes to:

James McGrath: for ducking out of history to smoke in the toilets, labelling the Question Time invaders as “K-Mart Castros“. Um?

It’s either really smart, i.e. the critics represent the westernised take on Castro’s socialism, calling for Leftist change, whilst enjoying the fruits of a Rightward capitalist country, or it’s really not that quick. Seems odd that he’d undercut such a brilliant subtextual barb by using the word “grub” soon thereafter.

Can I get a ruling?


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One last thing. The below video depicts the Environment and Energy Minister Josh Frydenberg meeting with Belgian trade diplomat, Jean-Claude van Damme. There are many in the press corp, not that I’m one of them, who believe that the current administration has taken us back in time. I didn’t believe that, until three short minutes ago.

For those unsure of Van Damme’s political gravitas, he played two versions of himself in the movie Double Impact. One moderate, the other not so much. Plus, he can do the splits, no prrroobbblleeemmm.



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