Luce Talk

About Luce Talk

'Lucy Talk' is a satirical and occasional series featuring the First Lady’s account of her contributions to her husband’s political career.

Luce Talk: Preventing hearts becoming Trumps

Approx Reading Time-10Sunday Satire: In a TBS exclusive, we sort of have the wife of the PM, Lucy, sharing a behind the scenes snapshot of life with Malcolm. That’s “sort of” as in “not really”.


While Mal and I were enjoying brekky last Sunday I took the opportunity to engage with him on national security which is, of course, one of my specialist policy areas.

“Tell me, dear” I ventured, “what do you consider to be the most serious threat to our national security?”

Without a moment’s hesitation, he nominated the prospect of Tony and Pauline joining forces to lead a new Trump-style political party.

I was utterly taken aback.

“But I thought Tony and Pauline’s relationship was as fraught as Kevin and Julia’s,” I managed to say.

“Well, Luce” confided Mal, “I gather there’s been a rapprochement of sorts following Tony’s realisation that his political philosophy is closer to Pauline’s than mine.”

I immediately sensed the dire possibilities. Abetz, Bernardi and Christensen would sign up to the movement on day one and there’s always the pulverising prospect of a cross between Clive and Pauline emerging from Queensland.

“Do you really believe dear,” I enquired, “that Trumpism would resonate here under the leadership of Tony and Pauline?”

“Absolutely,” confirmed Mal. “They are both much more suited to that sort of thing than politics.”

“But neither of them are Trump-like,” I pointed out. “He runs a business empire while Tony runs marathons, Pauline ran a fish and chip shop and was never in the running to be Miss Universe.”

“It’s true” agreed Mal, “that Tony is more Poper and interloper than groper but he’s not a no-hoper.”

It’s such a comfort to Mal that in matters such as these, he knows he can always rely on my timely and incisive counsel.

“You know, Mal” I said supportively, “I believe that all you have to do to head off any likelihood of a Trumpist insurgency in Australia is appoint Tony to a cabinet position.”

“That’s an interesting theory, Luce” commented Mal. “I see where you’re heading with this. You’re projecting that Trumpism is much less likely to flourish here if Tony is riding shotgun with me inside cabinet rather than holding me up outside it.”

Mal is always so adept at grasping the essence of my logic.

“You’ve got to make it clear, dear” I insisted, “that it’s either your way or the highwayman.”

“Do you think there’s any possibility” asked Mal, “that Bronnie could come back to be the catalyst that leads Trumpism to take flight in Melbourne”

“Only as far as Geelong,” I assured him.


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