Ugh. So last night happened. Again. What happened while you were asleep? Well, the Queen emerged, One Nation got relatable, a Trump staffer did a Trump thing and I went through your phone. We need to talk.
How was everyone’s holiday away from themselves? Good? To be honest, I can’t hear you. I feel like you’re visiting me in prison. I can see your mouth moving, but I don’t understand. This pane of glass forever separates us; it bitterly makes your humorous festive anecdotes fall on the most hopeless of deaf ears. So, I’ll just talk.
As I was unshackled from my homely rusty cage in the basement of The Big Smoke Towers, my heart jolted with the giddy eternal hope that the two-thousand and seventeenth trip around the sun (according to that dead carpenter; not Carol) would be a more logical one. As it turns out, yeah, not so much. Time to shed the casual skin and renew the wringing of one’s hands.
Hooray and huzzah, for it’s officially the first Monday of the year, when the roid-raged fists of furious reality blacken our brighter holiday selves. Roll out the barrel, evaporate the last traces of festive cheer in the reservoir, and immolate the festive baubles, because life, she is back. And for those of you who silently noted that they’ve already started work for the year, congratulations, you’re being taken advantage of.
Queen Elizabeth appears in car, not hearse, nation cheers, rest of world offers noncommittal thumb in support.
As one of the last vestiges of the English Empire, the Queen has long been that nan who you rarely see, the fancy one who comes ’round to your house and helps herself to the food cupboard before buggering off without repaying the favour, or offers up a promise to have you stay at hers for once. Nevertheless, she’s still our nan, and your nan pottering around in the land of the living is always a good thing. To prove it, here’s an appallingly grainy image taken, presumably from someone’s original Nokia they’ve possessed since Prince William had hair.
The Queen and Prince Philip leave church at Sandringham. It’s the first time she’s been seen in public for a month pic.twitter.com/kaedX29rf5
— Tim Ewart (@EwartRoyale) January 8, 2017
The Queen, who has edged into the nervous nineties, has not been caught in public for several weeks due to a “heavy cold”, and at her advanced age you tend to ratchet up the worry and picture the inevitable. Might be good to give your grandmother a call. Go on. She’d like to hear from you.
I’ve just seen The Queen Prince Phillip Kate and William omg I have never been so happy🌟🌟🌟
— Erin (@Erin_1207) January 8, 2017
One Nation dumps Shan Ju Lin for discrimination.
Well, in the words that the Rolling Stones didn’t choose, let us paint the year with a shade of grey. The darlings of leftist hostility, One Nation have removed Queensland Candidate for her backwards comments on homosexuals. The leader of the pack, Pauline Hanson, spoke clearly, stating that “These are not the views shared by One Nation, nor the views of fellow candidates and the general public”.
One Nation spokesperson: “The party is doing extraordinarily well and the party does not want ratbags” https://t.co/Tk5p9z0ZzV
— Casey Briggs (@CaseyBriggs) January 8, 2017
Which is a wonderful thing to say. But, this is One Nation we’re talking about, the party that one can safely rely on to ruin the revelry of a minority on complete fallaciously grounds. Regardless, I say well done, Pauline. You are absolutely correct, there should be no place in politics for someone who claims that homosexuals are “abnormal” and should be “treated as patients”. Exclusion of someone on the grounds of them being who they are is wrong. That is seemingly is the takeaway lesson here.
So, where do we stand Pauline? Homosexuals yes, Muslims no?
Trump staffer accused of plagiarism, fits right in.
Continuity is a beautiful, ugly thing. Monica Crowley, Trump’s national security advisor has been accused (well, “accused” as in “had an engine block tied around her waist and thrown off a pier”) after it became known that she plagiarised numerous passages of her 2012 book “What the bleep just happened?”, which is a well done, slow-cooked joke four years in the making, get it? Because of the headlines and that? No? Fair.
— andrew kaczynski (@KFILE) January 7, 2017
I content however that Monica’s goose being cooked is not a negative, but rather the highest chef’s recommendation on her literary menu. Crowley after all is now a Trump staffer, and what better way to ingratiate yourself into the graces of the big (orange) man than by plagiarising his daughter’s plagiarisation of another?
Incidentally, the way that CNN video is cut reminds me of a really terrible 8 Mile sequel where the final rap battle is penned by an irked 12-year-old with an axe to grind, one with no comebacks, beyond a repetition of what the other person said purely to annoy. It’s your mum’s spaghetti.
Don’t do it Hollywood, please.
The top five AusPol Tweets from overnight
— Darrell Chambers (@mvmsdazza) January 8, 2017
— Travis (@teakingw) January 8, 2017
— Jim Pembroke (@Jim_Pembroke) January 8, 2017
— Rachel Baker (@RachelBkr) January 8, 2017
— Reid Parker (@ReidParker_) January 4, 2017