While you were asleep: Assad’s peaceful doublespeak, KK robbers knicked, Streep faces criticism

Approx Reading Time-10Morning! What happened while you were asleep? Well, Assad promised peace and violence, the crime of century was solved and Meryl Streep started a joke.


Assad looks toward peace talks, by vowing to take back “every inch” of Syria.

Um, what? Just when we assumed the hideous bloodletting had finally picked its shirt up off the floor on the way to the door…overnight, President al-Assad laid many cards upon the negotiating table, claiming that he is open to discussing “everything” in the name of peace while looking to take back “every inch” of Syria not under government control.

Assad also mentioned that the ceasefire brokered with the Russians is not being respected, while simultaneously calling for the Syrian peace talks to be discussed by the Syrian people, not Western allies, calling for peace whilst escalating airstrikes in an attempt to retake the Wadi Barada area, which apparently is not part of the ceasefire, nor the scheduled talks in Kazakhstan, calling it a “military matter”.

Anyone else think that the Syrian conflict will roll on for another decade?


Parisian police move on Kim K robbery, arrest half of France.

In the grimy halls deep within the museum of crime, where a tap impatiently drips onto a poorly maintained marble floor, watched by the jittering blink of a neon sign, the sums etched into the walls are marked high in bloodied font. The assassination of JFK: anywhere between one and four suspects (seven if you count LBJ, Allen Dulles and that lawyer type that John Candy played, as I do); the Dar es Salaam heist of 2007: two suspects, $282 million gone; or even the OJ Simpson clusterboink: one suspect, one pal, one law-abiding Bronco, and one Hasselhoff comeback foiled.

While all those crimes will live forever, they were committed by less than the number of suspects the Gendarmerie picked up for the robbing of Kim Kardashian. Even the carjacked Hollywood vehicle for Clooney’s chin and Pitt’s bottomless pit numbered only eleven. Twelve if you count Jul…I’m just going to stop.

Presumably such a large veteran gang of criminals had to find a way to move the vault from around the neck of the Kardashian before escaping via some sort of jetski/helicopter escape, or something. However, despite the amount of ink expunged in covering the robbery, I contend that this is not the greatest crime to befall France in the 21st Century. For my stolen jewels, it’d be the selling of their national treasure to the pawn shop in 2006:

Poor Jean.


Meryl Streep claims the clashing of helmet and fist not art, in response sports fans offer to fight her. Presumably.

In the rubbery battlefield of Internetural discourse, we often lose sight of the issues, enabled by a blur of digits, in the face of visceral fluid exchange. And it seems we’ve struck once more, with Meryl Streep’s comments on protecting the sanctity of diversity and journalistic freedom quickly morphing into a five-alarm level of insanity, with a large section of people feeling they had to defend something that Meryl attacked.

The artistic merit of football.

However, Meryl…if Hollywood fell into the sea (or drowned in gluten) and football was the only thing we had to left to watch, I contend that if anyone could elevate the series of committee meetings interspersed with violence that is football into art, it’d be the Americans.


Top five political Tweets from overnight.

Share via