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Monday, bloody Monday. What happened while you were asleep? Well Shannon Noll was arrested, the Austrians placed a job advert and the superbug struck.
Shannon Noll booted from strip club, claims he just wanted his share.
I’ve reconciled that I’ve missed out on meaningful events by virtue of birth, which I attribute to cosmic chance and the lazy swimmers by bloodline drowns in. I was too young to see Nelson Mandela sacrificing his youth to save his country; I missed MLK’s letter delivered with fiery prose from the inside of an Alabaman prison; however, what I didn’t miss was the jailing of ‘Strayan troubadour, and poster-boy for the podium, Shannon Noll.
Noll, who enjoys a Dylan-esque elevation of his bars west of Sydney, and south of sense online, has been charged with two counts of assault outside of an establishment (The Crazy Horse), the kind of which I can judge by the name is some sort of Native American museum.
Shannon Noll should never be kicked out of a strip club in Australia no matter how drunk he is, that should be in the Constitution
— Allday (@alldaychubbyboy) January 15, 2017
The artist currently known as “Nollsy” shot to prominence for representing a snapshot of the agrarian lifestyle through his punchy musical verve, be it automobile ownership (“I got a big black shiny car”), not being served in a shop (“what about me?”) or even a handy how-to guide to moving house (“you gotta lift”).
Upon his ejection from the premises, Noll informed the bouncers who he was…it is unsure at this stage whether his bold new career direction will bear fruit, however, it is worthy to note that it did work for Johnny Cash. Australia Day concert in Pentridge anyone?
Idyllic Austrian ville advertises for local hermit, dose of reality surely added to their schnapps.
The village of Saalfelden are looking to fill the prestigious position of local town hermit. Although the renumeration package does not exist, you do get to live in a cave lacking the normative comforts of running water and comfy heat.
— David Edward Pike (@daipike) January 15, 2017
Achtung, brüder, for there is a rather serious caveat. Unlike your standard hermit position, the Europeans have innovated the role filled by angry transients, as you will be expected to talk to people who come knock-knock-a-knocking at your hermitage door. According to the Austrians, the ideal candidate should be “willing to talk to people, but not to impose”. Applications close on March 15th.
Allow me just to step in while you’re packing and add a further caveat. While six months of peace and quiet sounds ideal for someone is outlining a new writing project for example, make sure you don’t bring your family along, because last time that happened, it didn’t go strictly well.
Supervirus debuts in US, claims one, more to come.
Turning to sensationalist news, by the year 2050 most of us will be dead at the hands of a virus. But not just any virus, a super virus.
The Batman of the virus world (it’s the only parallel I could find: rich, antagonistic, doesn’t help anyone except itself) is apparently resistant to every known antibiotic has claimed its first victim in the United States.
— Shahid Mehmood (@ShahidMohmand79) January 14, 2017
The threat of ten million afflicted by 2050 is, sadly, not hogwash. Due to our over reliance on antibiotics, this is the pendulum swinging back the opposite way and hitting us in the proverbial rattlers. The key, of course, is developing new antibiotics, however big and small pharma alike are hamstrung by everyone’s favourite tape, the red variety. Someone, who was in the know, and in my bed, once disclosed to me that the bug is here too, and that we’d soon be “fucked”.
The top five tweets from overnight
Shannon Noll probably assaulted the bouncer by singing to him.
— Buds ® (@andybuds23) January 15, 2017
I’d like to thank Shannon noll for giving Adelaide the only interesting news story it’ll have all year
— squatting slav ☭ (@soyvietunion) January 15, 2017
Shannon Noll arrested at 2:30am, out the front of an Adelaide strip club… pic.twitter.com/EWHp5gbB09
— Sir Splash (@miltrain) January 15, 2017
The cost to fly to and from Broome from Sydney for example is $772. Cormann charged taxpayers $5662 for him and his wife #auspol
— AshGhebranious (@AshGhebranious) January 14, 2017
BREAKING: Mathias Cormann to be swept out of office by Broome.
— Kenny Devine (@TheKennyDevine) January 14, 2017