While you were asleep: Assange books US jaunt, Ewan ditches Piers, Trump wants recount

Approx Reading Time-10Good morning, class. What happened while you were asleep? Well, Assange packed his bags, Ewan McGregor chose life (over Piers Morgan) and Trump “didn’t” call for an investigation into the process that made him President (good call).

 

Assange books holiday of a lifetime, legal team packs Bermuda shorts.

Let’s be honest. Julian Assange needs a holiday. He’s been camped behind the same computer, fighting the same fight, sweating in the same shirt, running the same hand through the same hair in the same room for many moons now. Why, then, should we bemoan his howl for a holiday?

Speaking with The Project‘s Waleed Aly, our Jules did confirm that he will agree with extradition to the US, but only on the proviso that his lawyers could come too. #DaBoiyz

He went so far as to claim that Chelsea Manning’s clemency was solely granted on the proviso that it would make the situation difficult for him, and thusly enable his exit, according to his earlier promise.

Bon voyage, Julian. Please come back.

 

Ewan McGregor chooses life over Piers Morgan. Well done, Rents.

As the once-heroin-addled-addict-turned-suburban-convert/mate-dogger Mark Renton espoused: “Who needs a reason when you have heroin?”

The same goes for the man who played him, who could have subbed the h-word for another toxic substance and it would have adequately charted his recent choice overnight.

Zing. The comments that were blithely referenced were Morgan’s slaphazardly Tweets which called, of all things, for a march to counteract the “creeping feminism worldwide”. Yeah, nah, thanks, Piers, nah.

 

Trump wants investigation into election he won, world creaks a collective nod.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of a worldwide sodium shortage enabled by the grains of salt readers and outlets alike must sprinkle over the headlines that ripple outward from the Trump Administration over the next four years. The mind reels in confused angst at the thought this is barely a week old, because it seems longer; lols, kill me now.

Stomping a (jack)boot down a well-worn path covered in the crunchy dead leaves of our apathy, Trump has reanimated the corpse of voter fraud, speaking via his merkin (look it up), and nouveau-Internet darling, Sean Spicer who said that President Trump has “stated his concern of voter fraud and people voting illegally during the campaign”.

This is for the election he won, mind you.

This is no alternative facts/post truth codswallop, however, for he has based this assumption on “studies and evidence people have brought to him” (…not that he mentioned exactly what said evidence was, or even the name of the study…but that doesn’t matter…right?).

When pressed, Spicer claimed that “maybe” there’ll be an investigation. I wasn’t there, but one can assume that the amount of air collectively sucked out of room in disappointment caused a wave of momentary asphyxiation where those in the maelstrom felt the sweet embrace of the end, even for the most beautiful of short seconds.

Only four more years…

via GIPHY

 

Top five Tweets from overnight…

 

 

 

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