The “worst deal in the world” represents a unique opportunity for Malcolm Turnbull to save his Prime Ministership, and the financial future of our nation.
The President of Australia, bless him, has tried to maintain a steady course of indifference, while the turds flung in his general direction have increased to the level of a range five blizzard, with the latest grim Newspoll threatening to let itself into his lounge room.
— Lynetta G (@artbylynettag) February 5, 2017
Nevertheless, it’s business as usual, ignoring the quagmire of effluent rising above his hips. His most pressing problems are as follows: there’s the bully who still hasn’t even learned his name, and is holding his head in the toilet taunting him repeatedly to “stop flushing yourself, Trumble”; then there’s the issue of silencing the AusPol Great Gazoo in his ear, telling him that reversing this horrible course would indeed be a mistake.
Same sex marriage.
Hold the free vote, lose your job; hold the plebiscite, lose your job. It’s a broken cycle, with a flat tire and no seat, just the choice to keep pushing over the next hill in painful hope. But while he’s painted himself into a corner with that glue they used in those cartoons of his youth, there is an escape by the form of a window: ‘Murica.
Awkwardly clamour your way into the next room, Malcolm for, while its wallpaper is similarly garish, there are no wolves in this one.
Let’s do the maths on this immigration deal. Trump has hyperbolically labelled it the worst deal in the world. It’s an unpopular deal with an unpopular person in an unpopular time, and from it, Malcolm has so far gained two things: a spot on Trump’s shitlist (and thusly, a spot on SNL), and a lot of leftist mirth aimed in his direction. So, read that as the gaining of fame but actually the loss of the Left, as the unwashed drift further from his jetty. So that’s something.
Also on The Big Smoke
- Trump pulls half-backflip on Oz refugee deal
- Three theories behind Trump’s Turnbull hang-ups
- Trumble staffer suspended for “Tuck Frump” post
- Current Affairs Wrap: US honeymoon over, AusPol starts anew, piracy hits new wave
Realistically, Turnbull’s correct avenue of action is the one he’s walking down. He repeatedly claims that the worst deal in the world will indeed go through, however, I’m thinking of something bolder. Something innovative. Something agile. It involves the burning of a rather ancient, rotting bridge.
We’ve been bedfellows with the US since forever. Now with the end of the American century cresting over the hill, we have a unique opportunity to find ourselves of more appropriate trade-bae. You know, our suddenly sexy, magnetic and cash-heavy, Asian neighbour. That one. The one that our current squeeze doesn’t care for. Looking objectively, and giving “Trumble” his due, he’s engineered a rather tantalising set of circumstances for us to make meaningful change.
What’s needed, is what we already have:
1) a friends with benefits arrangement with China, you know, the kind that could easily turn serious by virtue of spending more time (trade) together.
2) a reactive American premier who currently hates his guts.
3) a catalyst to upset the apple cart, turning the feeling of goodwill into sour realpolitik cider.
All he needs to do is keep pushing shit uphill. Another four or five horrible end-of-relationship phone calls where no-one says anything beyond the greetings, another two or three appearances on SNL, another week or so of the blunt assurance that he needs to do this, because he has to. Simple relationship logic, push someone to a place don’t want to be in, and bam! We’re single. All that’s left to do is take it slow with China. Be upfront. Don’t badmouth the ex, even if you both dislike her, just make yourself present in their conversations. Share your interests, compliment them on theirs, and join in. Yes, China, I see you’re interested in agriculture infrastructure. Well, we have a lot of–oh, you already know. Insert lols, and soon we’ll find ourselves casually smoking on their lounge, a separate shelf in the bathroom, our shoes under their bed.
Do that, and the din of the financial spigots being turned on for the during of the Chinese century will be an important, agile policy that stands tall. Think of it, Year Two, you can stride the top step of the podium, Malcolm, verve and English returned explaining to the impressed dull masses how We lost, to win.
Now that’s innovative.