TBS Newsdesk

While you were asleep: Jack’s familiar comeback, Trump’s unwelcome bookclub, senate’s Centrelink probe

Approx Reading Time-10Blergh. Daylight. Time for bed. What happened while you were asleep? Well, Jack Nicholson is back in Hollywood, Donald Trump got some reading advice and Centrelink will be held accountable by the senate.

 

Jack Nicholson announces his triumphant return to Hollywood (typecasting).

Oh, Hollywood. You do love a comeback, especially if goes spectacularly tits up. (Good afternoon to you, Mr Hasselhoff.) So it goes with teeth/golf club enthusiast Jack Nicholson, who has decided to ankle his decade-long hiatus by signing on the dotted line to star in an English-language remake of a recent German film that I’ve not heard of called Toni Erdmann. Here’s the original Teutonic trailer.

Guess which part Jack will be playing. Heeeeerrrreeee’s familiarity! Honestly, Jack. I love your work. You’re a master of laughing and soundboard-related hilarity, but, bruh, if you’re going to make a comeback (not that we’re calling it that), do something drastic. Like, Gloria Swanson. Actually. Get Marty on the hook, so we get Sunset Boulevard 2 in the can.

No? Come on. It’d be great. Jack Nicholson railing against modern Hollywood while organising the funeral of the chimp he was banging on the side.

I’m ready for my close-up, heh heh heh heh.

Perfik.

 

Trump joins bookclub against will, nation responds with literary cynicism.

As it is rumoured, President Trump is not a big reader. One (fantastically named) pioneering book lover, Aaron Hamburger has set out to change that, with a Facebook enabled Valentines Day literary massacre, delivering an expected 800 books to the oval office. Now, it sounds like good Ol’ American style helpin’ out, but predictably it’s quickly turned into a vicious hole filled with bookish trolls that I want to jump into.

The suggestions?

  • The Origins of Totalitarianism, by Hannah Arendt
  • The Diary of a Young Girl, by Anne Frank
  • Animal Farm, by George Orwell
  • American Psycho, by Bret Easton Ellis
  • Easy Spanish Phrase Book
  • Dykes to Watch Out For, by Alison Bechdel

And perhaps, most brutally…a thesaurus.

 

Centrelink cyborg clusterboink to feel the burn from senate microscope.

Good news, everyone! For those of you under the cyborg boot of time-traveling gubernatorial debt collectors, it now seems that the fox will investigate the chicken coop. With Labor opposing the system, they will follow the committee spearheaded by doormat enthusiast Nick Xenophon, to send one senate inquirer back through the time-loop to mid-2016 to investigate the automation of the collection system. SkyNet, or “The Coalition”, have steadfastly defended the plan, saying on numerous occasions that welfare should be only for those who deserve it, which apparently means all that comes with it. It’s part of the experience. Two-hour hold waits, the ticking of thousandfold box, the dehumanisation of the hopeless…it’s all part and parcel of what you accept as a client.

Elsewhere, the inquiry has been welcomed by the main public sector union, the Community and Public Sector Union (CPSU), which is preparing to launch strike action over the program next week. A storm is coming.

Bugger. Misquoted it.

 

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