#AusPol winners and losers: Who’s regime reigned supreme?

TApprox Reading Time-12he amnesiac 1%, a Senator almost reaching professional puberty and parliament replaced by cyborgs; it was a standard week in #AusPol. But who won?




Every Friday, your trusty commentators at The Big Smoke review the most lauded plays in the game of Australian politics from the week previous. Passionate? Unquestionably. Conniving? Undoubtedly. But it’s not about that. Headlines need to be made and an audience needs to be entertained. So, who won?



Malcolm Roberts, for digivolving into an actual politician… almost.

It was a bit of a banner week for Canberra’s favourite fire-and-balderdash-spouting idiot savant. Earlier in the week, his party (and by extension, his name) were attached to a potential One Nation candidate who accused the LGBTI community of running a “Nazi styled” mind control plot to convince people to push for marriage equality.

In lesser hands (or, let’s be honest…in the usual hands of Malcolm Roberts), this piece of engineered faff would be shouted from the rooftop of Parliament House, perhaps at the climax of a shadowy athletic dance number à la Footloose. But no. This meta-Malcolm kicked in his robo-legs and did what all politicians should be able to do – he atomically sidestepped the issue.

And dodge, he did, after being pursued by the Samuel Gerard to his Richard Kimble, Buzzfeed‘s Mark DiStefano on Twitter, as he evaded the questioning by throwing himself off the proverbial dam into the murky waters below. Though being Malcolm, you can assume the dam was coal-powered and not hydroelectric.

However, Malcolm’s dive comes tagged with a rather serious caveat, as he was caught later on tabulating his retweets.



Clive Palmer, for forgetting how rich he is, and reminding us how poor we are.

Well done, Clive. Help yourself to another money sandwich. On trial, the former birthday boy of a party thrown for himself (and current Captain of the Titanic), Clive Palmer, couldn’t remember making payments to the rather 77-piece-symphonic-tune of $15 million, in reference to the shenanigans involving the failed Queensland nickel company.

So well done, Clivey. Well done on putting the entire populace of the Commonwealth in their places. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to gaffer tape my shoes to my pants so the other transients don’t pinch them. Salut.


Also on The Big Smoke



Jacqui Lambie, for putting out the fire…with gasooolllinnnneee.

As the long held hip-hop truism goes: “Things ain’t the same for gangstas.” On the far-Right fringe, the times they are a-changin’. One Nation tend to swing for the fences re: headlines that agrarian Australians latch onto. Those Australians also tend to be the people in Lambie’s wheelhouse. It’s akin to a rival pie stand setting up next to your pie stand. There’s only so much pie one can stomach, so thusly the proprietor of said pie stand must then force it down the throats of the clientele.

And so it goes with Jacqui Lambie, who did her darnedest to out-Hanson Hanson with her Islammmaphobia Bop on the ABC’s QandA this week, telling activist, author and The Big Smoke alum, Yassmin Abdel-Magied, to “get over” Trump’s Muslim ban, and to stop “playing the victim”.


Question Time demonstrators, for poorly covering a hit tune.

The number one rule for covers is that if you can’t put your own stamp on the original, don’t do it. So it goes with the latest rabble to take on Stairway to the Viewing Gallery, interrupting Julie Bishop in the name of land rights, or in the words of the protestors: “Land rights over mining rights”.

The concern is completely valid, as the custodians of the land were not consulted about the potential change of native title rights, however, as we know, politics is just a poorly acted pantomime, so what was missing was a bit of pizzazz. No gluing of the hands to rail, no donnybrook in the foyer with the constabulary, no real traction beyond the raised shoulders of the antagonists, who brushed off the complaint as someone “just playing that bloody tune again”.

Also on The Big Smoke


The “Golden Emerson” goes to Urban Infrastructure Minister Paul Fletcher for wasting everyone’s Question Time-time with his impersonation of the Cadbury Phil Collins gorilla on air bongos. Look it at. It looks like the part of every wedding reception where the drinks overcome etiquette, and all tasteless hell breaks loose.

Well the heart doesn’t show, but the pain still grows; it’s no stranger to you and me…


“The Bushie” is awarded to Wayne Swan, for claiming that the Coalition are actually robots.

In the “fake news” era, sources are important, as every statement made in jest could be taken as truth by the partisan audience, be it electoral or media. J’accuse et tu Wayne for unfurling this un-researched corker, claiming that the Liberals were not people, but rather some sort of gubernatorial infiltration unit. Half man, half machine. Underneath, a hyper-alloy combat chassis, mircoprocessor-controlled, fully armoured, very tough. But outside, it’s living human tissue. Flesh, skin, hair, blood, grown for the cyborgs.

Where are your sources, Wayne?


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