Approx Reading Time-10What a trip. I didn’t go anywhere special, just further down the rabbit hole of burgers and deep regret. Come along, the wallpaper tastes like…cholesterol.




Well. I’m still here. But, I don’t know for how long. That’s as much certainty as anyone can give me. But I’ve got some good news: I no longer have any fear of death. But… I am in a pretty lonely place. No one will have sex with me. I’m so close to the end, and all I want is to get laid for the last time. I have pornographic movies in my apartment, and lubricants, and amyl nitrite… (Thank you, Kayne – Ed.)

Welcome back to the handful of sentences I use each week to justify my behaviour. But, just like the kid forced into doing it as punishment, I am destined to repeat it, partly because I’m twelve on the inside, and also because I have a sweaty, screeching grease monkey on my back, whose scale makes the rest of life seem unimportant, with the volume turned down.

That being said, in the last week, I went to Melbourne. A trip in which I’ll rule under Kayne Rule 3B – your holiday is not as interesting to other people as it was you. I will simply state that there was much bingeing, and thusly much regret which I did not feel, and therefore it was good.


Exhibit A – @milkbar_cafeish, Redfern

What’s in it:

  • Pork crackle
  • Fried chicken thigh,
  • Artisan bacon,
  • Liquid cheese,
  • Chipotle sauce, honey mustard dressing,
  • Slaw


Exhibit B – @milkbar_cafeish, Redfern

What’s in it?

  • 150g house blend beef patty,
  • American cheddar,
  • BBQ bulgogi pork,
  • Kimchi,
  • Crispy onions,
  • Aoili,
  • Miso sauce

Miso, miso. Fighting in a dojo. Miso, miso. Oriental prince in the land of soup! Yeah, so in classic addict behaviour, I frequented the same place twice in two days. So what? Yes, they are stains from burgers. I am okay with that; I am enlightened.


Exhibit C – @grandtrailerpark, Melbourne

This, my pedigree chums, might be the sauciest ever sauce to have sauced. It’s saucy. Dubbed “The Frank Underwood”, this is more of an experience than merely a burger. This is something that realigns your perceptions of the world you discover, after it passes beyond your lips. Whether it reconfigures your brain to speak in a southern drawl, addressing an invisible audience with your most evil of thoughts, is up to the amount you consume.

What’s in it:

  • Premium Aussie beef patty,
  • American cheddar,
  • Tomato,
  • Butter lettuce,
  • Mac and cheese croquette,
  • Special burger sauce,
  • American mustard on a toasted brioche bun


And with that, I need to sit down and muse my next move, political or otherwise.


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