Thursday, you’re beautiful. What happened while you were asleep? Well, London was attacked on two fronts, North Korea embarrassed itself, and Freud clicked his tongue from beyond the grave.
Attack on London leaves five dead, 20 wounded, world to jump to conclusions.
As we continue to walk through days such as these, abject horror forces us to face facts. It behooves us to keep our eyes on said facts, and not to jump to the easiest of conclusions. What we know so far in the Westminster attacks is the brutal figure numbers five, including the transgressor of the act. The Guardian understands the initial working theories of the police investigation to be that the attacker was inspired by Isis and was most likely a “lone actor” – his identity already known to counter-terrorism officials.
Since then, the wash of misinformation has enveloped the city far greater than the waves of fear have, with Britain’s Channel 4 getting in on the act first, tweeting a description, which has since been redacted:
Statement from Channel 4 News pic.twitter.com/34QLcQasLI
— Hayley Barlow (@Hayley_Barlow) March 22, 2017
Perhaps leaping on this, a Russian broadcast soon thereafter published an image of a man that stated: “This is him a few seconds before he attacked a policeman and a few seconds before he was shot.”
It’s worthy to note that the image is actually taken in 2013 after Talhat Rehman took at knife to his own throat at the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace. The jumping of conclusions clumped its boots over the Atlantic, muddying the carpet of the corridors of power, as even Donald Trump Jr. tweeted an interview with London Mayor, Sadiq Khan, entirely out of context, inferring that Khan said the statement as a response to the attack. The article was published in September 2016:
You have to be kidding me?!: Terror attacks are part of living in big city, says London Mayor Sadiq Khan https://t.co/uSm2pwRTjO
— Donald Trump Jr. (@DonaldJTrumpJr) March 22, 2017
Our thoughts go with the injured, their families and the great people of London.
Golfer harasses Playboy model on Twitter, writer’s head swims with lazy entendres.
Let’s start this morning by casting our judgemental gaze toward Twitter, which we all know is the place where we can connect with famous celebrities, ask unreasonable requests of them and have them immediately comply. So it goes with PGA Tour bloke Grayson Perry who trolled Playboy model Lindsay Pelas, asking her to caddy for him in the upcoming Masters.
The Big Smoke can exclusively reveal the moment that Pelas agreed:
Now, no one really knows what happens when an unknown golfer meets an unknown Playboy model on the prestigious Georgian fairways of Augusta, but it’s safe to assume the result will involve an underwhelming, sexist punchline from the wheezing baby boomer who works at giving himself cirrhosis at the club bar when not working at the Pro-Shop.
— Lindsey Pelas (@LindseyPelas) March 20, 2017
Anyway, so, for some reason, this thing is happening. But a surely the fantasy of a stout golfer somehow bamboozling a woman who looks like a breathing version of the Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao onto the course is better left in his head? Golfers are an anti-social, awkward lot. Let’s just hope he doesn’t do something rash to impress her like necking half a case of light and diving headlong into the hazard off 12 in order to punch an alligator in the mouth. Because that doesn’t work.
Also, there’s a lot to address here regarding the societal aspects of this occurrence, so here it is all mashed together in one spooked dalmatian of dot points:
- Now the Twitter trolls believe they can get results by relying on the “Grayson rule”.
- Augusta (the club holding the tournament) didn’t allow women to be members until 2012.
- That poor woman is going to have to learn the drab system of club yardage.
North Korean missile test pops off too soon, US laughs at totally identifiable problem.
In other entendre news, it seems that the juvenile North Korean missile system has failed in reaching its target, with the extremely jock-sounding US Pacific Command loudly telling everyone in the schoolyard that the weapon “exploded within seconds of launch.”
Despite its best efforts, the latest late-evening salvo came up well short, as the antics of the North Koreans have caught the attention of the big dick Don in Washington, forcing him to bludgeon the roof with a broom handle, castigating them as naughty boys behaving very badly.
North Korea is behaving very badly. They have been “playing” the United States for years. China has done little to help!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 17, 2017
Stop it North Korea, you’ll go blind.
(Ed’s note: Apologies for the amount of downstairs equipment euphemisms in this morning’s wrap. The writer responsible will be sent home, and their wireless password changed.)
Kushner development project goes forward, design turns heads.
Charles Kushner, the father of President Donald Trump’s son-in-law, is looking to revamp his Manhattan office into a 1,400 foot monolith of glass and steel which would feature hotels, retail outlets and some of the most expensive condominiums in New York City. But, may we ask you, what does this look like?
— Peter Grant (@PeterGrantwsj) March 21, 2017
The growth of Kushner’s vision has been stifled by the cold water of reality, the possibilities of it maintaining the proposed height now shamelessly shrivelling due to the cold morning air of awkward conflicts of interest set to be the headache in this confusing tumble. (Ed’s note: Right, that’s enough.)
— eli friedmann (@eligit) March 21, 2017
The top five Tweets from overnight:
Given the design and street number, I shall call it “The Devil’s Dildo.” https://t.co/YhsVev1zJj
— Betty Cracker (@bettycrackerfl) March 21, 2017
Billionaire – check
Own spaceship – check
Army of drones – check
Robot battlesuit – check
You are the level 7 boss baddie!
— Nick Gannon (@lazylovelace) March 20, 2017
I nearly died seeing Sir David Attenborough trending.
But it’s ok.
Because a fossil has been named after him. #CascolusRavitis
— Dancing Psychiatrist (@Lollindialogue) March 22, 2017
The thing where an ad on a page waits until you’re halfway through reading an article to suddenly kick in is so good. A+. More of that plz.
— Cathy Holmes (@doolallytap) March 22, 2017
— Sir Walter Slurrie (@WilmaSlurrie) March 22, 2017