While you were asleep: NK’s birthday wish, NFL star dead in prison, Adidas ad gaffe

Approx Reading Time-10Today’s theme is death. Hooray! We’ve had NK celebrate a birthday with an odd gift, a fall from grace completed in prison and Adidas joined the marketing gaffe trend.




North Korea shares birthday wish, guests subtly shift toward exit.

The concept of the birthday wish is universal: vast optimism followed by masked disappoint. But the moment before realisation is all. Where one hopes for something outrageous in those long seconds between the end of the chorus, and the recommencement of the cheers, where one stares upon the glittering, wavering flames of possibility and hopes against hope that Lost in Translation-era Scarlett Johansson would be waiting on the other side of the optimism, to loosely talk to you about philosophy you both barely understand.


So it went with North Korea last night, who celebrated with what they wanted most in the world…the nuking of American cities.

Well, it’s your party, and you can nuke if you want to…I guess? You would cry too if it happened to you, Kim.


Ex-NFL star and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez takes another life…his own.

Right. Well, the Aaron Hernandez story in 400 words or less. In prison for anywhere up to three murders, two of which he was recently acquitted over, Hernandez was never leaving prison. He avoided the death sentence, by having a life in prison. Previous to his starred NFL career, he grew up, as what has been bandied about today (and beforehand), as a “thug”. So, as it goes, Aaron’s story ends with the stiffening of a bedsheet on his prison window.

The Internet was quick to comment, as morbid and as callous as you’d expect. Although, he was a convicted murderer, so one would hope the halcyon gloss of promising sporting talent squandered doesn’t turn this into an American tragedy, and simultaneously turn us blind to the brutality of the man he killed.


Adidas joins the marketing gaffe club with promises of sweet merch.

As the prophet Jonathon of Korn taught us, Adidas stands for All Day I Dream About Sex. And fuck this advertising campaign they surely did. Although on the 2017 scale of nasal advertising complaint, it’s a fairly minor transgression. But still. Crank the klaxon of apathetic advertising. Yes, compared to the other two, people actually died, but, I dunno, maybe we’re already jaded to the easy charm of marketing faux pas. Or probably perhaps not. I am, however, extremely jaded with the recycled smug mirth in which to criticise aforementioned pas.

Lord. Right in the lol-zone. Please. Stop. The comedy is too great. Too great for a mere non-joke-making-mortal to take. That comedy of yours should be illegal. Is it? It should be.

I can’t wait for someone to build another floor on that structurally unsound joke when Nike releases their Tiananmen Square tank top/gym bag combination later this week.


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