Current Affairs Wrap: Pence drops in, alien life on Saturn, Prince zings Damon

Approx Reading Time-11Mike Pence dropped in to see if we were still friends, alien life may be a reality on the moons of Saturn and Matt Damon was zinged beyond the grave. What a week.




In for a pence, in for a pound…ing of North Korea. Pence brings warmongering to the commonwealth.

To those who recoil at the sound of a rattled sabre, or cough loudly over the sentences of governmental support that tie us to the bedpost of the Americans while they thrust their ordinance toward North Korea: look away now. International and domestic news collided this week in a low-speed rear-ender as Trump’s number two (and generally accepted number two), Mike Pence, travelled to the land of Oz to confirm that the diversity of opinion toward curtailing the North Koreans would mirror the diversity shown in the image below:

Mike Pence and Malcolm Turnbull (I'm unsure which is which) / Getty Images

Mike Pence and Malcolm Turnbull (we’re unsure which is which) / Getty Images

Ostensibly, Pence has poked his head through our dining room window to query us on what we were having – and yes he’d like to stay for dinner, providing that we throw the original meal in the bin and cook his favouritenuclear clusterfuck profiteroles. Repeating the point three times, as you do when addressing children, so they remember it, Pence mentioned that “all options were on the table” regarding the naughty North Koreans and their misfiring ordinance (which, yes, means nuclear weapons of their own; the threat being, one would suppose: if you want to set off bombs, we’ll use ours…which work).


Call me a party pooper, but I’d much prefer a regional juvenile promotion of one’s manhood, hopelessly lobbing bungers into the sea while wearing a hat backwards and hoping that someone was looking, versus the worldwide version where beta males from around the globe set fire to shit to prove their worth.

Elsewhere during the meeting, and subsequent presser, Pence reiterated the close relationship with Australia, stating that:

Naturally, unsurprisingly, to Pence’s/the US’ above words, we responded that we like them too, though perhaps, as always, we seemed a little too keen.


Russian hacker gets to taste jail food, may be at home in culture of hateful barbs.

Roman Seleznev, a hacker who hails from Vladivostok, will be trading in the vista of…whatever Vladivostok has, for the bars of a prison yard after being found guilty of scamming $169 million, scoring himself 27 years at Folsom.

Using malware to glean the credit card details from EFTPOS devices and sell them to criminal enterprises, Seleznev – aka “Track2” – was eventually nabbed in the Maldives, which sounds nice, and sort of ruins the end of Shawshank where one could have their many crimes absolved by the forgiving white sands and rolling seas of Morgan Freeman’s smile. However, the silver lining here may be that a landscape based on emotional abuse and sleeping too much might be an easy transition for Track2. Or not. Roman, if you’re reading this, please confirm or deny.

Just as a side note, the imagery supplied by the US media makes “Track2” look like Russia’s realest hip-hop impresario:

Get Kendrick on the hook.


Aliens come closer to existing in our galaxy. Eat your red heart out, Mars.

Good news emanating from the moons of Jupiter and Saturn, as NASA has confirmed the existence of two moons which they call “Ocean Worlds”, which importantly possess evidence of oceans, as well as the necessary chemicals for life: carbon, nitrogen, hydrogen, phosphorus, sulfur and that oxygen stuff.

There’s no guarantee that life exists there, of course, but unless the cells on Enceladus just prefer to lie around in their parents’ Petrie dish, there’s a great chance of it. Moreover, it’s a fucksight more exciting than that Liquid Water fizzer of Mars.


Scientists take to streets, dressing wit with discourse.

The people of science marched in support of their craft over the weekend in the oddly simple sounding “March for Science”, railing against the worldwide fad of alternative fact, fake news and complete bulldust. Across Australia and New Zealand, functional-yet-dorky shoes met pavement in unison to make themselves heard…through the power of mirth.

2017 has been a particularly fine vintage as far as protest signs go.

The rest…well.


And finally, Matt Damon righteously zinged by dead person.

Well, he was royalty. Sort of. Kind of like how everyone in The Sun Also Rises gave themselves fancy meaningless titles because the old moral code was dead (read that book, please). The artist known, then formerly known, as Prince, who was alive, then formerly known as alive, has spooked forgetful amnesiac killer and legs of Jimmy Kimmel’s career, Matt Damon, with a great lesson of how two artists are always different, and indeed a confirmation of the stories of another recently departed soul, Charlie Murphy:

The lesson is, Prince could kill you in anything.

Be it hoops in a figure skating outfit, regional small talk.

Game: Blouses.


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