While you were asleep: French election starts, Vic battles drive-by, Avatar sequels confirmed

Approx Reading Time-11The rise of Marine Le Pen, Victoria taking the fun out the drive-by and the confirmation of a wave of Avatar sequels. Probably best you go back to bed, pumpkin.




France goes to the polls, rest of world drafts hateful tweets.

In the next great international election to be decided by the citizens of other nations, the hope this morning is for France to not fuck up their democratic right. They made democracy vogue (and then lost their heads a bit) after all, so it should be fine. (Guillotine joke. Awful.)

Anyway, hands will meet ballot boxes over France as the world wrings theirs, hoping that the next Trumpite doesn’t go the way of Trump. This election, regardless of whichever way it swings, is being hyperbolically labelled as “da closest elekshun 5eva”.

Worth mentioning that last night’s vote represents only the first round; the winners will progress to the final, with the Presidency to be settled by the time-honoured medium of a drag race.

The IS-actioned murder of a policeman on the Champs d’Elysse was strangely well-timed, to raise the pulses of the electorate and raise their Tricolor in support of the furthest-right candidate, populist Marine Le Pen. There are many schools of thought on this, mainly in hoping that everything will turn out fine, just as it did in the US election, but you could also argue that seeing as it’s not our election, perhaps we should reserve judgement for our own system. Democracy is the opiate of the masses, sure, but still, on the far end of that binge, the face that focuses after we climb out of our stupor best not be Marine.


Victoria to tighten drive-by laws, will now charge all occupants in vehicle.

As far as crimes go, there’s nothing more Hollywood than the drive-by. If it were a person, it’d be the vacuous LA type that survives on a diet solely constructed of trends, and seems attractive in an entirely superfluous way. However, peel back the glamour and there’s rotting moral bones of contention within. For example, did you know that the function of this particular crime is to kill people, especially in an extremely impersonal fashion?

To promote a more personal mode of murder (citation needed), the Victorian Police have decided to significantly tighten the legislation surrounding the drive-by, including longer sentences for shooting at a house, and most importantly, the 5-0 will no longer have to prove that the shooter had intent to cause harm and/or injury. Which, hopefully will see the end of the hopeless defence of “I was cleaning it, pointed it at my ex-wife’s house, and it just kind of went off 56 times.”

The other aspect to the changes, would be the ability to charge all the occupants of the vehicle with criminal activity. Great in theory, but as an introverted kid blessed with the ability to forever remain uncool, going for a ride in a car with people I shouldn’t have was an important stepping stone, and indeed past-time, in making friends. So, hopefully the law looks kindly on those just trying to fit in. That, or we’ll just show more sense, and be lonely forever. Either or.


Avatar slated for four more sequels, moviegoers push for nuclear war with North Korea.

For a movie that was based primarily on preserving precious resources, the irony of the source material being strip mined for sequels elevates my palms in abject confusion. The entirely original story of a paralysed man’s endeavour to gain carnal knowledge of some sweet alien tail is set to be expanded to a frankly moronic four sequels. The films are slated for release between 2020-2025.

I don’t want to disparage anyone from making, or indeed seeing, these movies, but the current culture of sequels, prequels, origin stories, sequels outside the original sequels, or sequels to prequels, despite lining the pockets of those above the line, has done little. I’m just worried about what we’re leaving behind. In 70 years, they’ll look back at the art we made to define our existence. Fast & Furious 10, Avatar 5, Smokey & The Bandit 4: The Quest for Cletus’ Gold. I can’t wait.

Although, there is an easy solution to halting this proliferation of tepid sequels…over to you, Pyongyang:


The top five Tweets from overnight:


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