It was an evening thin on logic. Local police unearthed a meme stash, Japan launched an opulent train and North Korea made yet more nuclear threats. Go back to sleep. You’re dreaming. Sleeeeeeep.
Law enforcers countrywide succumb to the wily charms of the dank meme.
It’s been subtly hiding under the overpasses of our newsfeeds, but it’s now Twitter-official: the law enforcers of this country are our premiere meme lords. According to the diagram below, they’ve taken two (very) old routes of Internet comedy, and somehow made something momentarily new:
From song lyrics, to the usage of the millennial label “Beliber”, their efforts in raising awareness through the medium of lols has been effective, but you should treat them as you do your dad – felling them with derisive shakes of the head – for they know where you live.
— NSW Police (@nswpolice) April 24, 2017
Lost & Found! Do you own these 34 bags of cannabis found at Terrey Hills? Visit local police to claim. We’d love to hear from you pic.twitter.com/ipBtYlVJAh
— NSW Police (@nswpolice) March 6, 2017
@IamNotJonahHill That’s the point, Scott…
— NSW Police (@nswpolice) April 20, 2017
— ACT Policing (@ACTPolicing) April 5, 2017
Japan launches ultra-luxury train, crushes spirits of commuters everywhere.
There are many things that the Japanese do well. Turning seaweed from a pedestrian beachside annoyance to the skin of a culinary deity; the duality of Zen in a lifestyle combined with outlandish weird shit; and perhaps at the Fuji of their achievement list is their god-level rail network. It can’t be rated enough. You can do zero research and not speak the language – or be born without a sense of direction – and you’ll still be home in time for takoyaki.
Japanese trains rule, but overnight we saw the launch of the emperor of them all; the Shiki-Shima luxury train travels from Tokyo to Hokkaido, and put simply, it’s an onsen on rails. The most expensive suite houses a bath made of hinoki (wood), but for the experience of seeing the Japanese landscape slowly turn white, as you turn into a shapeless blob, goosed by comfort and an open bar, $8,400 is a pittance, really.
So, this morning, while you’re having your space invaded by a goblin with eyes as dead as…well…as dead as the smell said goblin pervades, know that instead, your feet could be warmed by a fireplace; instead, you could be slowly diving into this board of fare – whatever it may be:
(It’s Japanese, so surely it’s gold…)
— きむち – 四季島 ツアー 中 (@kimuchi583) May 2, 2017
North Korea takes umbrage with US tests on South Korean soil, world steps closer to nuclear fudge.
Two inert forces of equal stupidity clashed again overnight, with the US responding to NK’s nuclear threats by drilling their bombers in South Korea. In response to this response, more nuclear threats from North Korea:
— NBC News (@NBCNews) May 2, 2017
You know what, they’re both geese. Flapping, honking, shagging, geese. And as a respectable person who dabbles in pseudo-journalism, am sick of writing about it, so this morning, I’m writing about something I might not have the chance to do on the day of its 20th anniversary: Joe Pesci’s rap career.
Now, depending on your age, and depth of interest in film, you’d know Pesci as the man who professionally swears whilst looking for his shine box, or as the goon who fails to break into houses defended by 10-year-olds, who wholesomely swears. He’s a funny guy…
However, did you know that the man also put out an album? Yes, Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just For You was generously described as “a mound of failed songs and lame jokes”, but let not that rat snitch on your curious impulse to find out more. So, without further ado, I give you the only single from the aforementioned album, the seminal ode to wiseguys and blondes, soundtracked to Blondie. Feast your cannoli on “Wiseguy”.
The top five Tweets from overnight:
Beautiful, moving story from @jimmykimmel last night about his newborn son’s heart condition.
— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) May 2, 2017
Marshal Kim Jong-Un declines Donald Trump invitation to visit Trump’s filthy and vulgar swamp-side miniature golf resort at Mar-A-Lago. pic.twitter.com/Kbdiu80vff
— DPRK News Service (@DPRK_News) May 2, 2017
If Turnbull hadn’t become Abbott 2.0 he wouldn’t need damage-control measures like Snowy 2.0, Safe Schools 2.0 and Gonski 2.0#gonski
— Outback Camel (@aussiecamel9745) May 2, 2017
Truffles: “Gonski is popular ..how to destroy it”
Baldrick: “Do a review & call it Gonski II Sire”
— Comrade Mark (@markjs1) May 2, 2017
— queen quen (@quenblackwell) May 2, 2017