I love the smell of spurious articles in the morning. Hail the weekly slog through the detritus of “news”, featuring The Simpsons making another Trump prediction and a woman fined for a dank meme.
Direct from the nether regions of the Internet wasteland comes the sparkled brown plinth of pseudo-truth – or, spoken in its native tongue: “fake news”. It’s a journey we’ve resisted undertaking until we could shanghai a worthy (unpaid) voyager to bring back the most ornate, exotic and off-smelling spices from the far side of the bugle. Yes, we’ve risked extensive malware cancer to deliver pointless snippets of Internet curio, but treat the lack of knowledge within the mystery pages below with due respect and trepidation, for their edges are moist with the blood of perished interns – those befallen by the disclaimer that warned them of the mortal shock that lay in wait, which they sadly ignored. What they look like now will indeed blow your mind, as it did theirs, wallpapering the cavernous interiors of the tomb that echoed their last click.
Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier. Whichever.
The Simpsons predicts further Trump prediction, invariably references their own fall in approval ratings.
Mirroring the progress of the series, it seems that The Simpsons has taken the hilarious/kill-me-now-what-have-we-become “we predicted Trump” joke and firmly ran it into the ground. According to the photo below, and the Facebook attached to it, the whole orb sensation from Trump’s recent Middle East visit was a curio of Groening’s creation – some 15 years ago. Simpsons did it, after all.
Except, and this may indeed shock one to the very core, but someone didn’t look something up on the Internet before sharing this “news”. It seems a trite “yeah, nah” may be the blade to skewer the beast, as the screen-grab originated from an episode of The Simpsons that aired after Trump’s orb hubbub from the Middle East. The eponymous picture crops up six seconds in, as part of a satire to skewer The Don.
Couple of things: this is why no-one visits Springfield anymore, as they’ve stopped accurately predicting insanity through the Magic 8-Ball of satire, and are now just reporting what they see, hacking with the wet noodle of lazy meh-ness. If we want hackneyed attempts at humour in real time, we’ve got Saturday Night Live for that. Satire is dead, because we’re all living it. Go back to fantasy and make us forget.
We voted for Kodos/Conan O’Brien to return.
German woman fined for dank meme, local court says danke.
Yes, she’s German. And yes, shame on you for easing into the easiest of definitions. Did you learn nothing from The Breakfast Club, where one could change themselves entirely because the cool kids told them to do it, so they did, to be cool? For shame, John Hughes, and for shame, John Youse. Yes, old Germans are racist, but two world wars have placed a rather stringent set of anti-hate laws in Germany, locally known as Volksverhetzung, which makes your argument invalid. Anyway, because of the firm word of the law enacted, it seems that ze Germans have committed a worse crime: legitimising a Breitbart article. Just kidding guys, you’re alright!*
*The previous comment was not made as an endorsement of the political station of Breitbart or those who read Breitbart and take it as gospel freedom isn’t free.
Now according to Breitbart:
The 62-year-old Berlin resident Jutta B. from Lichtenberg was arrested and had her home raided by police after she shared a picture on Facebook entitled, “Do you have anything against refugees?” For sharing the picture, which included disparaging comments about migrants, the woman was sentenced to a 1,350 euro fine, German newspaper Berliner Morgenpost reports.
Now, the disparaging remarks that answered the question “Do you have anything against refugees”: Ja, maschinenpistolen und handgrananten.
Lovely. Now, the exact law that Jutta broke was Section 130 (1) no.2 of the German Criminal Code, which brings a penalty of anywhere between three months and five years in the cooler, and before we caw the crow calls of “free speech”, there’s a very good reason why such a thing stands in place. If you’re not sure what I’m referencing, ask your mum, unless she’s one of those characters who believe the Holocaust was a myth. One hopes not. The take home lesson is dank memes might melt steel beams over here, but certainly would not fly in Germany.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to locate a German spouse.
Hoax moves it’s way into vintage, despite a complete lack of taste – or context.
Perfume samples are dangerous; poisonous to imbibe, possess or present to bae on her birthday. The rule of thumb is that if it falls through your door sans charge, it’s devoid of quality. However, the frankly sour odour of this hoax lingers worse than the brand liberally applied to your father’s collar (what is he hiding, by the way?, and yes, I saw you shift his uneaten dinner into the bin), as the following is comparatively ancient. Spin the clock back to the gaudy, fearful halcyon days of 2001 when death through the post was du riguer, and you have the plastic funhouse skeleton for this frightening piece of Internet curio:
Very Important !
URGENT News from Glen Eagles Hospital URGENT !!!!!
Seven women have died after inhaling a free perfume sample that was mailed to them. The product was poisonous . If you receive free samples in the mail such as lotions, perfumes, diapers etc. throw them away . The government is afraid that this might be another terrorist act . They will not announce it in the news because they do not want to create panic or give the terrorists new ideas.
Send this Fwd: to all your friends and family members.
Diane J. Ford
Office of the Chief of Police
Office of Risk Management
101 M Street, SW
The excessive exclamation marks scream “medical professionalism”.
Late 2001 was a crazy time. Apparently it’s unfair to judge something based on the timeframe it was made in, but this particularly histrionic, screeching hair-band cover was dusted off in 2010; this time the suspect materiel had morphed to the more family-friendly and infinitely more white Tide laundry powder – presumably because by that time, the anthrax realities of 2001 had since turned kitsch, so much so, that by 2012, the above threat was sent via SMS.
So. Fucking. Retro. Cool.
In response to this, the representatives of Tide attempted to turn the tide (…sorry) of public discourse by offering their own response, replete with completely unverified claims and an equally suspect contact number to boot.
I can 100% confirm that the text message going around is not true. From time to time people do this kind of thing as a prank, unfortunately there is little we can do other than to share the fact that this is completely unfounded.
If you are concerned or want further reassurance please contact our Consumer Relations team on: 1-800-879-8433
Clearly, the lesson here is keep your doors closed at all times, for who knows who is the Tide man with real apologies to a fake scare, or the guy who claims he is from Tide, with the fake claims that gave you a real scare. Who to trust, indeed.