Welcome to the wrong side of the Internet tracks. This week we scope Bernie’s new ride, how people solely live off air and the importance of remembering your sanity, alongside your pin.
Direct from the nether regions of the Internet wasteland comes the sparkled brown plinth of pseudo-truth – or, spoken in its native tongue: “fake news”. It’s a journey we’ve resisted undertaking until we could shanghai a worthy (unpaid) voyager to bring back the most ornate, exotic and off-smelling spices from the far side of the bugle. Yes, we’ve risked extensive malware cancer to deliver pointless snippets of Internet curio, but treat the lack of knowledge within the mystery pages below with due respect and trepidation, for their edges are moist with the blood of perished interns – those befallen by the disclaimer that warned them of the mortal shock that lay in wait, which they sadly ignored. What they look like now will indeed blow your mind, as it did theirs, wallpapering the cavernous interiors of the tomb that echoed their last click.
Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier. Whichever.
Curio #1: Bernie Sanders purchases German supercar with campaign donations, preps for 2020.
Who doesn’t love the selfish sympathy purchase? Well, the most reasonable frog pond on Earth, 4chan, clearly, after they levelled criticism against philanthropic grandpa and democratic bridesmaid Bernie Sanders, claiming that he splurged on a penis extension in the wake of losing the custody battle for the wailing infant with a perpetual shitty nappy, the US presidency.
Ignoring the fact that the majority of 4chan users voted for kek incarnate, DJT, if Bernie did dip into campaign donations, it wouldn’t be the currency those trolls trade in, so we’re all good. The take-home lesson is that we should all believe these alternative facts and reconcile the fact that Bernie has a heart of gold, and a foot of lead.
After countless seconds of cross-checking, and a drafted email to Bernie’s campaign office, The Big Smoke has been able to procure an exclusive snippet of the video package which Sanders will apparently use to ensure the presidency in 2020.
Curio #2: Californian couple claim lack of food resulted in successful pregnancy, now hide behind ethos.
California…knows how to invent spurious belief systems. Adding to the alt-pantheon of alt-medicine is The Breatharians, a collective who are light on calorie intake, and perhaps oxygen to the brain. Akahi Ricardo and Camila Castillo are two devotees who, according to The Sun, claim most of their sustenance from the sun.
According to the source:
Camila and Akahi – who have a 5-year-old son and 2-year-old daughter together – have survived on little else besides a piece of fruit or vegetable broth just three times per week since 2008.
And Camila even practised a Breatharian pregnancy – not eating anything during the entire nine months that she carried her first child.
The married couple-of-nine-years claim that their “food-free lifestyle” has improved their health and emotional well-being as well as meaning they can spend money on travelling rather than the weekly shop…
Camila explained: “I was completely open to changing my food-free lifestyle when I first became pregnant because my child came first. But I just never felt hungry so I ended up practicing a fully Breatharian pregnancy.
“I didn’t feel the need or desire to eat solid food during the entire nine months and so I only ate five times, all of which were in social situations.
Now, the number of scientific facts to back up the claims of the two involved:
However, a wealth of information supports the argument that their story might be solely constructed of codswallop, with claims that lack of food and water bring on a surplus of death:
“It depends on the climate, and how much exercise you’re taking, but if you’re lying in bed you would probably be just about all right for a week,” says Dr Charles Clarke, who specialises in high-altitude survival medicine and has accompanied the climber Chris Bonington on expeditions to Mount Everest. “But towards the end of the first week, you’d become pretty gravely ill. Your blood would become thicker, your kidneys can’t cope; multiple organ failure follows, you get hypothermic and eventually you die.”
The real victim of the piece is the child, who will be presumably given a commune-flavoured soubriquet in honour of the parents’…“achievement”. Vale, Culio Nimbus Jones, we hardly knew ye.
Curio #3: Pin-code paranoia and the alleged “safety pin” initiative.
Pin-code paranoia is real, but only if you believe it. The old wives’ tale is that a) they’ll steal all your money and b) if you type your code in backwards, the constabulary will be immediately notified.
How this whole crisis code myth has walked so long is beyond us. However, as it turns out, the technology has been patented, and shelved:
The reverse PIN system was first imagined in 1994 and patented in 1998 by Joseph Zingher, a Chicago businessman. His SafetyPIN System would alert police that a crime was in progress when a cardholder at an ATM keyed in the reverse of his personal identification numbers. The flip-flopped PIN would serve as a “panic code” that sent a silent alarm to police to notify them that an ATM customer was acting under duress. Because palindromic PINs (e.g., 2002, 7337, 4884) cannot be reversed, Zingher’s system included work-arounds for such numeric combinations.
Zingher had little success in interesting the banking community in SafetyPIN despite his pitching it to them with great persistence over the years. He did in 2004 succeed in getting the Illinois General Assembly to adopt a ‘reverse PIN’ clause in SB 562, but the final version of the bill watered down the wording so as to make banks’ implementation of the system optional rather than mandatory: “A terminal operated in this State may be designed and programmed so that when a consumer enters his or her personal identification number in reverse order, the terminal automatically sends an alarm to the local law enforcement agency having jurisdiction over the terminal location.”
So, consider it false. However, consider the traditional mugging protocol still the best way forward. Just hand over your money, and if you happen to be excruciatingly broke, or in the industry lingo “not fucken worth it, eh,” well that’s the mugger’s problem for choosing rashly.
Best to let them come to their own conclusion on that, though.