Sifting through fake news for meaning is like playing Russian Roulette; you wish each turn to be your last. Welcome back to the fun place – this week, starring Steve Jobs!




As Humphrey Bogart espoused “There’s no one thing that’s true. It’s all true,” which is a lie, because Hemingway said it. And it’s also a lie, because there are many things that are completely false. And yes, he was talking on an existential level, but he also won a Pulitzer for turning Jesus into a Cuban with a major stiffy for Joe DiMaggio. So consider him an unreliable narrator, and the direct ancestor of Alex Jones. Yeah, I said it.

Consider The Old Man and the Sea a decent allegory for our pursuit of fake news. We wrangle a colossal Marlin of a headline, only to find it eaten away by the relentless sharks of truth. Fight it as we may, when we arrive in the port of our conclusion, all that’s left is the bare bones of the story, and a whopper it might have been, but now it sits at on the dock of your browsing history, completely useless.

Being alive in 2017 is fun.


Curio #1: The last words of the eBook of Jobs left to ghostwriter

We as a species have a rigor-mortis-powered mental erection when it comes to death bed epitaphs. Especially when they’re not true. There’s the tale of Marie Antoinette apologising for treading on her executioner’s foot, Herman Melville’s tactless marketing plug for his unpublished work, or Elvis Presley’s off-hand remark that he was just popping off to the bathroom to read.

So, to the man who forever sits next to our genitals, Steve Jobs.

According to the gaggling, doomsaying witches over the cauldron that is the Internet, the words on the last page of the book of Job(s) stateth:

“I reached the pinnacle of success in the business world. In others’ eyes, my life is an epitome of success.
However, aside from work, I have little joy. In the end, wealth is only a fact of life that I am accustomed to.
At this moment, lying on the sick bed and recalling my whole life, I realise that all the recognition and wealth that I took so much pride in, have paled and become meaningless in the face of impending death.
In the darkness, I look at the green lights from the life supporting machines and hear the humming mechanical sounds, I can feel the breath of god of death drawing closer…
Now I know, when we have accumulated sufficient wealth to last our lifetime, we should pursue other matters that are unrelated to wealth…
Should be something that is more important:
Perhaps relationships, perhaps art, perhaps a dream from younger days
Non-stop pursuing of wealth will only turn a person into a twisted being, just like me.
God gave us the senses to let us feel the love in everyone’s heart, not the illusions brought about by wealth.
The wealth I have won in my life I cannot bring with me. What I can bring is only the memories precipitated by love.
That’s the true riches which will follow you, accompany you, giving you strength and light to go on.
Love can travel a thousand miles. Life has no limit. Go where you want to go. Reach the height you want to reach. It is all in your heart and in your hands.
What is the most expensive bed in the world?
Sick bed…
You can employ someone to drive the car for you, make money for you but you cannot have someone to bear the sickness for you.
Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost — Life.
When a person goes into the operating room, he will realize that there is one book that he has yet to finish reading — Book of Healthy Life.
Whichever stage in life we are at right now, with time, we will face the day when the curtain comes down.
Treasure Love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends.
Treat yourself well. Cherish others.”

Tldr; his genius ruined his life.

Also, don’t feel awful about skimming…because he didn’t write it. This final ode circulated around 2015, four years beyond Jobs’ final scheduled update. So, the question your mind is obviously spooling with is, what were his actual final words? Well, according to his sister, they were three awful trite, ambiguous descriptions of the end: “Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow.”

Blergh. No wonder we bend toward the prosaic beauty of final words.


Curio #2: Texas, has some fake news in it. Also, a crispy body in a morgue with two identities

The suffix to this story should, and forever should, be “…because Texas”. The land of institutionalised racism and barbeque sauce has cooked up a beauty, insofar as a mistaken corpse in a mortuary oven goes. Good ole home cookin’, just like capital punishment used to make. On March 1 in this year of our lord, the not-at-all-spurious sounding spurious news outlet World News Daily Report reported:

An employee of the Jefferson County morgue died this morning, after being accidentally cremated by one of his coworkers.
According to the Beaumont Police Department, 48-year old Henri Paul Johnson decided to take a nap one a stretcher after working for sixteen hours straight.
While he was sleeping, another employee mistook him for the corpse of a 52-year old car accident victim and carried him to the crematory.
Before anyone could notice the mistake, he had already been exposed to temperatures ranging between 1,400 to 1,800 degrees Fahrenheit and reduced to ashes.

Fortunately, it’s false. And I say “fortunately” because the morgue worker would have left behind a loving family, stunned co-workers and the worst “last known” photo in the vista of human existence. Just look at it.

Unfortunately, that face belongs to someone, a man named Christopher Plumlee, who owns a far more interesting story. Plumlee was a lawman from DeSoto County, who was arrested back in 2015 for driving under the influence. As for what happened to him beyond the sentencing, unfortunately, the story takes a rather morbid turn; it seems he was inadvertently incinerated in a mortuary toaster in Beaumont, Texas.

Thoughts and prayers.


Curio #3: Snapchat enters your personal space with fashionable microchip

In the great war for your personal space, there will be but two combatants. Two towering towers of towered power, looming over the hurried landscape, like…towers. The names of the darkened glass and steel spears to challenge your sense of freedom will be Facebook, with its established feudalism (please don’t ever leave, m’lord), and the promising, bold newcomer, Snapchat.

The latest weapon in this technological Cold War is a nuclear rocket that, when loosed, will flame the long-standing social tenets of ditching events you said you’d attend, but then didn’t, or indeed the avoiding of toxic people (read: mutants), as Snap Map will be able to pinpoint where your friends are at any given time.

However, the issue seems to be not the inventions of man, but rather how man uses said inventions. Just as Apple’s “Find my Phone” is used as a low-rent spouse microchip, one can quickly assume that Snap Map will face the same fate. The head of developments at Snapchat didn’t, but probably should have offered the words: “Now I am become death, the destroyer of exclusive brunch catch ups.”

That being said, you can opt out, or never participate in this new function, and just watch as the world is rent asunder. Or, you can be an adult, ride the Pegasus of confirmation bias, and do what the rest of us do, and fight for our godddddd


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