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While you were asleep: Trump’s new motto, UK disses Austen, Our new Depp

Good Morning, you lot. If you’re wondering what you’ve missed out on, the answer is abject stupidity. Trump gave us his new motto, the UK gave Jane Austen a firm kicking and we found our new Depp. Why are we here?

 

Trump gives Internet new watchword, electorate new hope. 

If there’s something that differs between us and our American cousins (other than two oceans), it’d be our self-flailing riposte we kept from our Colonial parents, whereas they broke from that, feeding of the screaming eagle of red, white and blue aggrandisement. Which is fine, but as a nation of cynics, it’s lovely to see them stoop to our hopeless level. It’s like the perfect older sibling falling off their bike, ending up in the mulberry bush. Tasty and hilarious. From the halls of US power, it seems that we have a brand new catchphrase that superbly charts the 45th Presidency:

 

 

I appreciate the honesty. I mean, yes, it was a stupid thing to say in the land of the Internet, an unreasonable place by default. A screengrab to power a thousand hackneyed attempts at humour which references something treasured from the 1990s to whitewash over the fact that the punchline is unsatisfying; I believe that Trump may have borrowed it from somewhere else…

 

 

UK honour Jane Austen by showing pride and prejudice, but not reading it.

Everyone loves the taste of low-hanging cerebral fruit. The Internet is a twisting verdant vine, plump with the shiny red morsels of quotes by genius. No need to know the context, or view the book/movie/speech it originated from, just copy-and-paste and your foes can gnaw their way through the expanse of your knowledge, and weep like chambermaids with the grippe.

But be wary, however, because “Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities – (Voltaire)” because an orphaned quote can occasionally remove all the hair from your face with the social acid of schadenfreude. The new ten-pound note honours the great work of the great Jane Austen, by making it completely clear that whoever designed it didn’t read the book.

 

The quote underneath the mug of Jane is the sticking point for Internet sticklers, as the quote “I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading” was uttered by Caroline Bingley, who, actually hated reading. In fact, on the page in question, she drops the above line and the book with it.

 

Harry Styles fills Depp void with numerous nipples. 

When the world’s love for Johnny Depp (rightly) turned to ire, it stands to reason that we would seek another vapid off-kilter vessel to fill that void; a figure to roll the eyes of critic, or partner at the sight of him, he who wears enough bangles to strangle a Shih-Tzu, and enough about Lao Tzu drown out the nonsense music you compose with your fingers tapping your ear drum.

Last night we met that person. His name is Harry Styles. It seems that the number one takeaway from the interview (which I admittedly didn’t catch live) was that Mr Styles has more nipples than usual, but here’s the kicker – he admitted that he absolutely does. Whoa. A superfluous nipple. A better metaphor for the man there could not be.

 

Please stop. Savvy?

 

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