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Study: Drink enough coffee, become immortal

As coffee drinkers often espouse, they need it to live, but according to the findings of a new study, it also reduces the overall chances of death.



When future generations try and make sense of our existence by placing it behind museum glass, surely the coffee bean will be there. Perhaps it will proudly stand alongside pseudo science studies, and the sending of moving images to your friends and family while expunging bodily waste. While they surely will not understand, and surely will feign interest wing manned by a stifled yawn, it mattered to us, damn it.

The next piece represents the zenith (or nadir) of our pithy existence. The big three, an all encompassing paella of our existence. A study about coffee, just long enough to read during a trip to the loo. Consider yourself DaVinci’s Vitruvian Man, but without an assumed gender, and much less buff. Or endowed.

According to minds of science, it seems that through our most socially acceptable opiate, you may indeed live long enough to explain ourselves to the confused masses who populate the days yet to come. To put it tritely: drink more coffee, live more longer. The University of Southern California, (or ‘SoCal’ as it is known to the bucket bong smoking elite of the establishment that didn’t graduate) have made the bold claim that those who drink one coffee a day avoid the chance of death by 12%, and those who neck triple that amount will evade the hand of the reaper by a whopping 18 percent. So, continuing down that path of logic, there has to be a magic number of beverages one imbibes to make one immortal. Basic science, innit.


Those who drink one coffee a day avoid the chance of death by 12%, and those who neck triple that amount will evade the hand of the reaper by a whopping 18 percent.


However, the aforementioned study failed to disclose the aforementioned magic number, but the headmaster of this school of thought, Veronica Setiawan, associate professor at the Keck school of medicine (praise kek) pointed at the ongoing Multiethnic Cohort Study, one of 215,000 participants and bills itself as the most ethnically diverse study examining lifestyle risk factors that may lead to cancer. The study itself claimed “…until now, few data have been available on the association between coffee consumption and mortality in nonwhites in the United States and elsewhere…such investigations are important because lifestyle patterns and disease risks can vary substantially across racial and ethnic backgrounds, and findings in one group may not necessarily apply to others.” As for how that directly relates to the casual addict that owns you, Setiawan unequivocally planted “Coffee contains a lot of antioxidants and phenolic compounds that play an important role in cancer prevention,” Setiawan said. “Although this study does not show causation or point to what chemicals in coffee may have this ‘elixir effect,’ it is clear that coffee can be incorporated into a healthy diet and lifestyle.”

So ner.

As to those who are resistant to the pull of that magic bean we’re slowly pushing to extinction, those who choose nothing, or tea instead of life, then let me tell you, boy-o, it doesn’t matter.

Because you’ll be dead soon.


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