Monday. Why. While you were unconscious the world span on, stepping us closer to nuclear crisis, Vlad moving out of Donald’s house and a lazy tie in of a brilliant TV show.
US places THAAD missile system in Alaska, rolls eyes of international community.
To me, ‘THAAD’ sounds like the impossibly cocksure jacked American stereotype (with a lisp) that attempts to chisel your partner from your hip in your presence. I have no idea why you’d name a missile defence system that, but whatever floats/sinks your/their boat I suppose. Anyway, so the Terminal High Altitude Area Defense (sic) system is a purely defensive prong extender, which was recently tested in Alaska in response to North Korea’s recent ICBM test on the peninsula.
— Elizabeth McLaughlin (@Elizabeth_McLau) July 30, 2017
Hooray. Now, allow me to slightly dip into an Editorial sandwich here, but the early hours of my existence were painted by the fear of nuclear decimation. My parents, slow on processor speed, but large on size (don’t judge, they’re old) always taught me to fear those with the nuclear button; and while they spent the Cold War in a bunker under a mountain calculating doomsday algorithms, I must say, that living in this new version of it, is just a bit lame. I mean, yes, we know you’ve got things that go boom, but that doesn’t make you cool. Both the US and North Korea are acting like hormonal teenagers burning rubber in a cinema car park. No one is impressed by the fact that you’re ruining your mum’s Camry. And no, we will not blow you.
Putin kicks out American diplomats in response to harsher sanctions.
The relationship between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin is an awkward union to witness. Whether they swan into the restaurant with hands clasping each other’s buttocks, or drunkenly trade caustic barbs before the entrees have arrived, the feeling seems to be the same: What are you guys doing?
Not that we say anything, it’s not our place to say, and after all, they won’t listen; but their drama continues to ruin our dinner plans. And that’s not fair on us. That being said, the latest incident circles around Vlad wanting Donald to move his diplomats out of Putin’s house of political nous, primarily because he didn’t like the new rules that bae established.
BREAKING: Putin announces he’s kicking out 755 American diplomats to retaliate for new U.S. sanctions https://t.co/N01db7xWIX
— Andrew Desiderio (@desiderioDC) July 30, 2017
God. Just bang already.
McDonald’s gets Schwifty, releases Szechuan sauce (with caveat)
For those who follow the step of Rick Sanchez, today is a possibly storied day in our dimension, as McDonald’s has re-released their vaunted Szechuan sauce, via the medium of attache case, and warning label.
We fucking did it.
WE GOT THE SAUCE. pic.twitter.com/1uPA8OtJCd
— Rick (((and Morty))) (@RickandMorty) July 30, 2017
For those familiar to the absurdist masterpiece of Rick and Morty will be familiar of Rick’s pursuit of the fabled condiment. However, for those who believe that the existence of the sauce, and seeming marketing tie-in with the Golden Arches means that either a) the upcoming series has jumped the shark or b) is now entirely pointless, you should know that that is the point.
Rick’s search for the sauce is meaningless. Here’s how.
Wubba lubba dub dub.
The Top 5 Tweets from Overnight
Article removed but how the hell did it get published in the first place? https://t.co/N1yRvQb5n6
— Helen Kennedy (@HelenKennedy) July 30, 2017
The Beatles in 1959 and 1976 in the same stairwell at EMI Records. pic.twitter.com/WQ7UF1d904
— History In Pictures (@HistoryInPix) July 30, 2017
— Jeff Nichols (@backwards_river) July 30, 2017
— Sally Rugg (@sallyrugg) July 30, 2017
Riley, you’re a genius. pic.twitter.com/Lp3VAf7C2Q
— Joel Willans (@Joelwillans) July 30, 2017