TBS Newsbot

While you were asleep: Apple owns your face, Osama joins Ted Cruz, London sunk by fatberg

Overnight, things got a bit silly. Apple got carried away, Ted Cruz has Internet scandal company, a mass of waste destroyed London…’s breakfast.



Apple launches new iPhone with new features, including your own.

Overnight, the kind faces of our Californian overlords spoke to us in booming tone, warning us of retail purchases that will come to pass. We wept at the expanse of the ambrosia that the Apple event passed onto us mere mortals. Put simply, two new features for the tenth anniversary iPhone X stuck to the mind. And the face. The glass and metal slipper of our generation has completely shifted to a glass construction, forever dooming the drunk and clumsy among us.



That being said, the most telling advancement put forward was the fact that Apple now owns our face, as we (they) can now use it as a security feature to unlock your device. You remember your face, it’s that thing in the mirror that’s constantly disappointed in you.



FaceID works alongside the other feature they possess, the scanning of your fingerprint for access. I mean what else, Apple. What else to do you want from me. Please feel free to open my veins and just take it all, man.

We here at TBS have exclusively procured the R&D footage that shows how the new function works:



In the wake of the Ted Cruz Scandal, CIA refuse to release Bin Laden’s browsing history. 

This morning, we sit at a bizarre junction. A street corner in a sensible neighbourhood paved in the neon glow of abject smut. It seems the two spheres of adult entertainment (adult entertainment and politics) have finally decided to start a family. And yes, the infant they produced is a very ugly baby.



Overnight, alongside the narrative of Ted Cruz favouriting an adult video on Twitter and later fingering the intern at fault, we’ve also had the CIA refusing to release the contents of a dead man’s sordid web history. That dead man in question was the architect of 9/11, Osama Bin Laden, and come to think of it, it’s odd timing considering that September 11 was yesterday in the states.


To quote an ancient online truism: That’s enough Internet for today.


A mass of unspeakable horror walks under London streets, locals apply double decker bus ruler to measure it. 

To complete the trifecta that spoiled a thousand breakfasts (soz), we have the winding tale, a problem that London’s sanitary engineers will suppress forever, casting long gazes at the table, pushing far beyond the kind face of the kind wife who asks about his welfare. You weren’t there, Ethel.

While Tokyo was ravaged by a rampaging dinosaur, London fell to a roaring creature cobbled together from collective effluent. Colloquially labelled as the ‘Fatberg’, the mass of human waste that clogged a Whitechapel sewer is as mind blowing as it is stomach turning.



Stepping to hyperbole, I’ve not witnessed a running mass of mass and unnecessary waste on London streets this side of the collective works of Charles Dickens.

No, Tim. You can’t have more. Look at the mess you’ve made.



The Top 5 Tweets from Overnight


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