The Internet is an unkind, stupid place. Why would we care about Jared Kushner’s gender, Fox Sports’ stand against a knee, or a horse’s moustache. I fear history will judge us.
Direct from the nether regions of the Internet wasteland comes the sparkled brown plinth of pseudo-truth – or, spoken in its native tongue: “fake news”. It’s a journey we’ve resisted undertaking until we could Shanghai a worthy (unpaid) voyager to bring back the most ornate, exotic and off-smelling spices from the far side of the bugle. Yes, we’ve risked extensive malware cancer to deliver pointless snippets of Internet curio, but treat the lack of knowledge within the mystery pages below with due respect and trepidation, for their edges are moist with the blood of perished interns – those befallen by the disclaimer that warned them of the mortal shock that lay in wait, which they sadly ignored. What they look like now will indeed blow your mind, as it did theirs, wallpapering the cavernous interiors of the tomb that echoed their last click.
Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier. Whichever.
Curio #1: Internet assumes Jared Kushner’s gender, facts.
If you’re fuzzy on who Jared Kushner is, he’s the Eli Cash to the Trump’s Tenenbaums. The guy who’s not technically family, but hangs around the house, and also happens to be balling the idiosyncratic daughter. Call his official jaunts to the Middle East reflected nepotism. Label it the Kushny Job.
Anyhoo, so word around the campfire was that Jared Kushner was been registered to vote in New York as a woman:
According to the records held by the New York State Board of Elections, Jared Corey Kushner is a woman.
Is Kushner a woman? Did he just accidentally fill out the form incorrectly? Is he the victim of a malicious voter impersonation scheme? Unfortunately, there’s absolutely no way to know for sure, because he has yet to provide WIRED with a comment. But based on his recent history with paperwork, option two seems like a pretty safe bet.
Now to be fair to the Kush, he’s a likely suspect. He’s got the previous form, and perhaps the Trump gene for forms via the viaduct of sexual transmission. Mmm. Transmission. That being said, it is entirely facetious as my surmisals of a recessive Trump gene, as the New York Daily News obtained Kushner’s 2011 New York City voter registration form, which clearly shows a checked box.
So, call it official. Jared Kushner is all man. Or woman.
Who cares, it’s 2017.
Curio #2: Horses grow facial hair, critics cry foal. Sorry.
Speaking of unfair gender-based labels, men who can’t grow facial hair are often viewed as the cockroach pureed on society’s shoe. A pile of matter that doesn’t matter. Scrape it off your sole, dry retch and move on. Your reproductive acrobatics are unwelcome here. To those alopecial sheeple among us, allow me to extend a solid sorry, brah and tack on but you’ve been bested by a horse. And you know that’s what dem ladiez are into. I’m assuming that’s what the phrase hung like a horse is inferring – the amount of hair cascading off one’s lip.
As it turns out, Horses and moustaches might be a thing. Sounds spurious, however, sauntering behind the cloven hooves of clickbait is the palomino of truth, as it turns out, an equine with a cookie duster is entirely legit.
Meet Alfie, the extremely Internet famous celebrity of the horse facial hair subset. Just throwing it out there, but Alfie looks like he just gleefully stole the toupee off an unsuspecting cat. No? See. This is why the two dating apps I own have failed me. My thumb walks through a kaleidoscope of faces that turn theirs from me. God, I’m so alone. I feel like I’m in the late afternoon of my suitability. Very soon, the last glittering fragments will turn to dust, and my inadequacies will overcome me, and be the default. I’m old enough to be past it, but young enough be unable to accept the positives. I know I should let go, but I’m paralyzed by my second puberty. I was optimistic at 30, but two years on, the fear has got to me. The aphorism of just being me no longer works, as I’m unsure if that person is worthy of my company. Does anyone else feel that way? Guys?
Anyway, yeah. Horses. So, apparently, a very specific breed can grow facial hair. That breed is called the Gypsy Vanner.
Curio #3: Fox Sports protests flag protest by wearing the flag as a cape, taking away their television privileges.
If you cut Fox Sports with a knife, it’d shriek like an Eagle, bleed stars and command the ghost of Lincoln to cut out your tongue, because freedom. In the wake of the Las Vegas, the greatest mass shooting since the last one (Orlando), I feel the need to be cynical. Time for a change, you lot. The rest of us don’t need firearms to feel bigger than our neighbour. We have institutional racism for that.
Moving slightly back to the topic at hand, and according to one extremely even-keeled sounding website, Fox News didn’t take kindly to those folks who didn’t take kindly to the flag, deciding on the entirely sane response of pulling all NFL broadcasts until the players learned how to (take a) stand properly. The website went on to claim:
The NFL may refuse to listen when Donald Trump says that until players stop disrespecting our national anthem, our veterans, and our flag, team owners should fire people, but Fox Sports is helping him send the message.
Fox Sports took things a step farther Sunday morning with a bombshell announcement that until players either stop disrespecting our country or are fired to do so, they will not be airing any games.
“President Trump is right that this has gone on for far too long,” Fox Sports spokeswoman Holly McGee told Fox And Friends Sunday. “We are standing with him and refusing to air the games until the 12 teams who have attacked the President apologize and players who disrespect our nation are punished.”
Now, haters will say it’s fake. Which it is, while others will claim that is satire, which is questionable. However, I say that we should hate the game, and not the playa, as the current climate is not particularly conducive for satire. If the satirised satire themselves, where does that leave us?
I’m there already.