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While you were asleep: Hurricane Trump hits Puerto Rico, Smith & Wesson’s post-Vegas stock bump, Leto to play Depp forever

Good morning, gorgeous. While you were dozing, Trump met the people of Puerto Rico, one gun manufacturer benefitted from Las Vegas, and Jared Leto committed career seppuku.

 

 

Trump heads to Puerto Rico to heal wounds, pours salt in it.

There are few among us who have the knack to make a bad situation worse, and even less who somehow manage to fail upward. As it has been written so many times before, Donald Trump is bad at things. Insert lazy gladiatorial metaphor here. Did you know that Donald is the American Boadicea? You didn’t? Here’s a quote I googled to solidify my inert intelligence in the eyes of the reader. I’m smart. I write things. No-one listens to me, but I do.

Anyway, Trump zipped to his new Mexico, Puerto Rico, to heal wounds and soothe boo-boos in his usual method, by finding the rustiest utensil and mashing it in with the heel of his palm.

 

Although, fair being fair, he does have a fairly decent jump shot.

 

Barack who?

 

Noted gun manufacturer earns massive stock gains after Las Vegas.

You know what I love? Graph porn. A well-endowed wiggly line of data that states the actual truth makes me run my hand through my hair, exhale in excitement, and avoid eye contact. You’re not taking me home tonight, graph, I state, knowing full well that I’ve already surrendered, and I merely said to say it, just to say it. The reason why I love them most of all, is that it does not lie, and can be printed out and stapled to the head of those who disagree.

In that vein, and indeed the vast river of information post-Vegas, it has been noted that flailing gun manufacturers Smith & Wesson were the sole benefactors of the actions of Steven Paddock, with their stock prices rising 7% when the gunsmoke cleared.

As the graph below states, it seems that mass murder is good for business. Blood on hands, pockets stuffed with currency. Looking at their history, it certainly seems their way.

 

I feel bad making sweeping generalisations, as the Americans I know are tired of the grim violence, but the lifespan of the Republic speaks loudest.

 

 

Jared Leto fills Johnny Depp’s shoes, Hef’s loafers.

Now that Johnny Depp has succumbed to whatever it is that makes him wholly undesirable, his exit enables a vacuum in Hollywood circles. What’s required is an elastic weird dude, who will take any strange unsuitable role, and ostensibly plays it the same every time. Will be required to dress up as required. Aquire within.

Fortunately, that role has been filled, taken up by the curly gnome shoes of one Jared Leto, who, apparently will play the freshly cold Empire of tack, Hugh Hefner.

 

Welcome aboard the typecast train, Jared.

 

 

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