The Internet is a place not unlike purgatory. Except far more boring. Welcome back to the tepid pool of fake news. Don’t drink the water.
Direct from the nether regions of the Internet wasteland comes the sparkled brown plinth of pseudo-truth – or, spoken in its native tongue: “fake news”. It’s a journey we’ve resisted undertaking until we could Shanghai a worthy (unpaid) voyager to bring back the most ornate, exotic and off-smelling spices from the far side of the bugle. Yes, we’ve risked extensive malware cancer to deliver pointless snippets of Internet curio, but treat the lack of knowledge within the mystery pages below with due respect and trepidation, for their edges are moist with the blood of perished interns – those befallen by the disclaimer that warned them of the mortal shock that lay in wait, which they sadly ignored. What they look like now will indeed blow your mind, as it did theirs, wallpapering the cavernous interiors of the tomb that echoed their last click.
Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier. Whichever.
Internet Curio #1: Vegas shooter Stephen Paddock spotted at Trump Rally. Sort of.
As we’re entirely not sure what exactly compelled Stephen Paddock to trundle twenty-odd guns up a hundred-odd steps before loosing them on his fellow species. Because we don’t know, the Internet has a series of quick answers for us, and they’re all equally stupid. However, while all the conspiracy theories were equally stupid, some were more equal than others.
Noted conspiracy theorists have offered alternative explanations for the shooting. InfoWars host Alex Jones claimed (without evidence) that the event had been “scripted by deep state Democrats and their Islamic allies using mental patient cut-outs.” A fake “Melbourne Antifa” Twitter account (which has no affiliation with a real antifa, or anti-fascist, group) claimed the gunman was a comrade. Noted demigod of leftist thought Slavoj Zizek added his two cents, but as his presser was not subtitled, his claims were a string of slobbering nonsense vowels (citation needed)
Various threads on 4chan and the reddit group r/The_Donald pushed the narrative that he had been spotted at an anti-Trump rally, and thus was a “commie” or “leftist.” This claim was promoted by far-right blogger Pamela Geller in an article offering photographic “proof” that the Las Vegas shooting was an act of “left-wing violence”:
Apparently the man above, is the man who did the shooting. However, let’s not be distracted by the fact that they look nothing alike, to wit:
Because there’s something else at play here. An American Tradition. In most famous bloodletting enabled by the index fingers of the maladjusted, a series of look-a-likes suddenly crop up. The original moronic white man with rifles out a window, who may or may not have been abetted by the government, Lee Harvey Oswald had at least two, maybe three if you happen to live in Oliver Stone’s world. The bar is set impossibly high. You’ll never eclipse what he did.
So stop shooting people, morons.
Internet Curio #2: Urologist recommends treating gallstones with a day out at Disneyland
Here’s an interesting medical tidbit that the Internet can not totally disprove, apparently the Happiest Place on Earth ™ is the place to go if you want to jolt loose that pesky kidney stone. It turns out the Magic Kingdom has medicinal qualities after all.
Strangely, this theory comes not from the frozen head of Walt, but rather the educated brain of an emeritus professor. According to urologist and professor emeritus in the Department of Osteopathic Surgical Specialties at Michigan State University Dr. David Wartinger, DO, you could consider the lower-cost alternative of taking a ride on the Big Thunder Mountain roller coaster at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida and letting the force of gravity do the work.
Wartinger made the media in September 2016, after he published a study that explained the experiments he performed using a lifelike silicone model of the human urinary tract confirmed that “roller coaster facilitation of calyceal renal calculi passage” (in English: taking a roller coaster ride to facilitate the passage of kidney stones) may be a feasible alternative to standard medical treatment in some cases. Which, I don’t want to judge, but bruh. Please donate your brain to something worthy of it.
Wartinger explained how the research came to pass in an interview with the Michigan State University publication MSU Today:
“Basically, I had patients telling me that after riding a particular roller coaster at Walt Disney World, they were able to pass their kidney stone,” Wartinger said. “I even had one patient say he passed three different stones after riding multiple times.”
This resulted in Wartinger going out and testing the theory. Using a validated, synthetic 3D model of a hollow kidney complete with three kidney stones no larger than 4 millimeters inserted into the replica, he took the model in a backpack on Big Thunder Mountain at the theme park 20 times. His initial results verified patient reports.
“In the pilot study, sitting in the last car of the roller coaster showed about a 64 percent passage rate, while sitting in the first few cars only had a 16 percent success rate,” Wartinger said.
So, consider it legit. However, make sure it’s not a family day out, Dad, as passing a piece of gravel through the smallest hole on your body might be a less painful excursion by comparison.
Internet Curio #3: Smoking pregnant woman states roadwork outside her home is harming her baby.
As it was recently illustrated in the form of a whistling truthbomb when rubbishing a terrible friend that turned into a terrible parent within my social circle, it doesn’t take much to be an average parent. Which is true, even if the statement was spat through the edge of a lamington.
I suppose the statement holds cake, as it takes a certain complicit level to deliberately not give a fudge about your kids. Moreover, in the modern age of photoshop, post-truth and deliberate misinterpretation, it is rare indeed that we have an image we can all rally behind. One that you can’t defend, because it’s indefensible. Even in 2017.
Without much further ado, I can confirm that the below image is a thousand per cent correct, and absolutely certified. Real image, real cases, real people.
The above image is from a local Virginian newspaper, which, and editorial alert, but perhaps Mellisa should have followed the name of her state in matters of motherhood. I mean if you’re willing to choke it with cigarette smoke, I mean, come on now. Anyway, The Roanoke Times went on to state:
Traffic-calming efforts along Bullitt Avenue Southeast are making Robert Parsley furious. Parsley, 44, said he has lived in Southeast Roanoke all of his life and has witnessed many changes. But this current construction project, Parsley said, “is the dumbest thing the city has ever done.” Complaints from both residents and drivers about traffic on Bullitt Avenue from Sixth to Ninth streets have been “numerous,” said Mark Jamison, the city’s traffic engineer.
Yeah, righto, Mel.