#Auspol winners and losers: Who wore Melania’s shoes?

A lottery win, an image to define the times and an out of body experience. It’s #Auspol, so you know it makes no sense. Don’t look for logic.



Every Friday, your trusty commentators at The Big Smoke review the most lauded plays in the game of #AusPol from the week previous. Passionate? Unquestionably. Conniving? Undoubtedly. But it’s not about that. Headlines need to be made and an audience needs to be entertained. So, who won?



George Brandis – for being a winner.

There’s a certain adult lotto, one like all the others, where you hit the numbers, you win the prize. However, the prize on offer is something truly special. A reduction in fucks you have left to give. Strangely, many people tend to win it. Especially after a certain age. How odd.



Alex Ellinghausen – for having an eye for photography, and an ear for metaphors

I’d imagine producing high art from the wastelands of the Senate is a troublingly tough gig. However, from great ugliness comes great beauty. Or mirth. Or cynicism. Whichever.


You can see his ears!




North Korea – for losing all credibility.

The less articulated part of fearing someone is the work that goes into it from the other party. To continually produce fear, one must always seem to be operating outside the borders of social norms, one must always continue to seem unpredictable. We feared the North Koreans, because they were mysterious. A modern throwback to the massing of nukes and the waving of warheads was vogue. We escaped that Nuclear Winter, but we always feared it happening.

That’s why North Korea was feared. I use the past tense, because this morning they’ve reduced themselves to the level of the rambling, unheard yutz, who feels so outraged, then pen a letter to the Editor.



Now, question. When was the last time you read of those letters, or indeed had your mind changed by those teeny-tiny morsels of shouted truism? Once? Never?

That being said, we’re dangerously close to this tryst being settled. Preferably under the sizzling heat of Jerry Springer, with Steve the Bouncer doubling as the UN.



George W. Bush – for thinking that we’re all stupid

Holy Plutonium. You wait for one Cold War reference, and two come along. Realpolitik has a rich history of wheeling out long-past it antiques for public valuation. In 1946, with WW2 just enough in the rear-view mirror, with the US producing a whopping 50% of the world’s goods, and with their allies the Soviet Union in absolute ruin, the recently unemployed Winston Churchill took the top step to condemn Russia with a trite label that would stick to the end of the millennium.

Thanks, Winston.

Wind the clock forward to 2017, and our own short-tempered conquistador/The Who enthusiast George W. Bush went the full Winny and railed against the sins of the current administration.


Now, it’s not that I don’t agree with him, but bruh. We remember what you did. Your high horse has long gone to the glue factory.


Also on The Big Smoke

Honourable mentions

The Golden Emerson – awarded to those who waste everyone’s time with complete verbal tosh – goes to:

Whoever wore Melania’s shoes. Now, yes. Let’s address the standing question. Is that Melania? No. The real question, is why would Donald do something so stupid as to put a body double of his wife in the public eye. I don’t know. But that question begs more to be asked. Like, if Donald calls her his wife, does he have the same rights as a husband may or may not have? Does Melania tag out of the union when it gets too much? Where does she go, my lovely?

I don’t know. But frankly, I don’t want to know.

Look! It’s Melania next to her husband. So elegant.



The Secret Verbs and Spicers for the sauciest, most regret-inducing piece of fried hyperbole each week goes to:

Everyone. For existing in the same flick of time this does.


Life is beautiful.




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