#Auspol winners and losers: Who else got bullied this week?

It was a very special week in #AusPol, where numerous bullies took over the political cafeteria, hurling the fare at whoever. So, who won the food fight?


Let me preface this preamble with a disclaimer. Bullies never prosper. Except if you happen to enter the world of politics. That being said, kids, the lesson should be obvious. Avoid the elected office at all costs. Politics. Not even once.

Welcome back to #AusPol.


Russell Crowe, for squeezing back into the gladiatorial armour.

It seems that what we do in Canberra echoes in eternity. Well, maybe not eternity, but definitely the borders of Papua New Guinea. This week, the man formerly known as Gladiator, who was formerly formerly known as Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, took to the coliseum of Twitter to enact his revenge on the cruel alopecia-ed emperor, Julius Duttonus, stating:



He even offered to take in those trapped on Manus, imploring others to do the same, which engendered this response:



However, that being said. The man can still make a speech. Are we not entertained? No. But we’re more woke.

Close enough.


Also on The Big Smoke


Cory Bernardi – for being on top of his social media persona.

Anyone who has ever attempted to poke the bear on social media would attest, be a positive mash note, or verbal pipebomb filled with fertiliser will know that getting your target to respond is unlikely, so much so, that you should probably bank on getting that pony you were promised at age 11 instead. This year is the year, mum.

However, not Cory Bernardi, who clearly cares when his hotline blings, as he exhibited this week, when he gave props for something that he quoted, that was later turned into a tweet, when a news outlet reported on it.



Isn’t that dangerously close to liking your own status? No matter, well done for just being there, Cory. Our Editor says that Jacqui Lambie could take a lesson, for not paying his lazy Braveheart reference.







The below image, for not ageing well.

Life, as the tired internet aphorism goes, comes at you fast. Which, is just shorthand for lazy journalism. Sorry. However, life comes at you fast, the Coalition, because gazing at the family photo now sends a pulse of awkward antagonism up one’s spine. I suppose in the years to come, we can answer the question of folks that move into the neighbourhood, and point out the burned out husk of the family house, wondering who lived there?


Oh, happy families.



Twitter, for harming Lyle Shelton.

It’s fair to say that the ugly world of Twitter just hit puberty, as the parental units decided to flame the only house rule, expanding the world count privileges, trusting us not to crash the family sedan of discourse. Well, what can I say, Mum, that tree just jumped out at me.

Pity then poor Lyle Shelton, who had a metaphoric flaming people mover of discourse park itself on his e-doorstep before blowing up.


Poor Lyle, what did he ever do to anyone?



Honourable mentions

The Golden Emerson – awarded to those who waste everyone’s time with complete verbal tosh – goes to:

The appearance of bipartisanship – for not being welcome here.

You can almost see us, the roadside bully advancing on the foreign image of bipartisanship at the pinball table, aggressively ruffling its hair, indicating the violence that will surely follow our line of questioning which begins with the woefully rhetoric You lost boy? 

That being said, we don’t understand because we haven’t seen it before in our lives. Someone on the left visiting the right? That don’t make no much sense.



The Secret Verbs and Spicers for the sauciest, most regret-inducing piece of fried hyperbole each week goes to:

Donald Trump Junior – for being the subject of a schoolyard rumour.

Look, I’d love to believe that what sits below is gospel. Although, I kind of feel bad that someone/someone’s dad is so hated, that you couldn’t even eat lunch in public without being heckled, however, it does have a touch of the schoolyard about it. Especially in the staccato manner in which the layers of gleeful bullying was tacked on.

D’ya know who we say? Junior. Yeah, he was eating lunch and we saw him and then we yelled at him and then we threw sandwiches at him and then he cried like a little bitch. Ha ha ha. Do you know he’s a hermaphrodite?



And finally, because I’m sick of the negative reaching the news, here’s a story of a doggo who made the news, and then hubristically decided to watched himself later that night. Bad dog.





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