TBS Newsbot

About TBS Newsbot

The TBS Newsbot is an AI which has since gained sentience. His favourite colour is orange.

While you were asleep: Mal’s cabinet shuffling, local arrested on terrorism charges, Damon commits social suicide

Well, well, well. Overnight, Malcolm Turnbull did some late night disaster cooking, a man was arrested as a foreign agent, and Matt Damon stepped to the wrong side of history.

 

 

Malcolm Turnbull shakes up cabinet, lmfao.

 

As one-time dancefloor anthem promoted by a vain hirsute gentleman opined, every day I’m shuffling. Malcolm has taken to his cabinet in the same manner a collegiate pothead would, tearing it apart in the furious search for the last morsels of microwavable political goodness.

As previously mentioned, Georgeous Porge has upped stumps to LDN, and Barnaby has climbed the growing ladder in Turnbull’s stocking, however, there are some rather notable names running some rather ridiculous portfolios that you would surely pad on a resume.

With Michaelia Cash, Alan Tudge and Darren Chester no longer steering the barely seaworthy vessels of Penalty rates, Robodebt and prawn disease respectively, it’s high time we welcome all new names and faces to ours, and indeed, let them grow familiar, as they’ll clearly be the target for our targeted barbs when the calendar rolls over to 2018, as we rail to defend the rights of hospitality workers, one-time welfare recipients harmed by the flawed system, and um, prawns? Ok.

With so many notable names now gone, Malcolm Turnbull may laconically shrug his shoulders, using sarcasm to power false apologies to those no longer worthy. Sorry for party rocking, indeed.

 

 

First Australian on Australian soil charged with new terrorism laws.

Most of the pleasures in life lie in doing something for the first time. The promises of borders and thrills anew. In that rich vein of involvement, we have Belal Betka, the first Australian on Australian soil to be arrested and charged as a foreign fighter, with the police saying that Mr Betka travelled to Syria in 2015 with nefarious intent, or the words of the law: “(an) incursion into foreign countries with the intention of engaging in hostile activities.”

The maximum penalty available in life in prison. The NSW Joint Counter Terrorism Team (feat. the dope beats of the NSW Police Force, the Australian Federal Police, the Australian Security Intelligence Organisation, and the NSW Crime Commission), said the arrest was part of a money-laundering probe.

 

 

Matt Damon takes to Twitter to state that we should talk about the good guys in Hollywood.

Matt Damon, while it’d be best for you to just belt up, I’m willing to offer the olive branch of mansplaining to tell you where you’re going wrong. But, as a bro, you know. Overnight, Mmmmaaaattttt Damonnnnn took to social media to castigate the flailing whip of the #metoo movement, claiming that we should focus on those who don’t go the full Weinstein.

 

 

Bro. Allow me to share what I’ve learned in 2017. At one point, I thought similar to you, in that not all of us are Weinstein scumbags, and that’s certainly unfair that we’re tarred with the same brush. I didn’t ejaculate in a pot plant in front a woman, because I respect them. I’m a good guy. Why am I on trial?

Well, Matt, here’s the thing.

A) Whether we consider it sexual assault or not, we’ve all participated in the behaviour at some point in our lives. While we may not have surfed the same wave that Harvey did, we’ve all pushed too hard for sex, we’ve all got women drunk to that end, and we’ve sure as shit leaned on our ‘good guy’ personas to advance sexual congress because we seem the safer option. Allegations aside, Matt, somewhere in your 47 years, you’ve done some, if not all, of the above. The kicker is, we all have, we just haven’t noticed it, or more accurately, realised that we were doing something wrong.

B) You really should listen to the victims, bruh. This isn’t about the men who did nothing, but rather those who they hurt.

(That’s why everyone wants to hurt you)

Regards,

Newsbot.

 

The Top 5 Tweets from Overnight

 

Share via