With the promise of a new year, we all presume things will be better. In 2018, the US needs a break. Fingers crossed none of the following happens.
They say prediction is hard, but mark my words: someday, everyone will be doing it.
They also say hindsight is 20/20, but how did they know? The past is a foreign country, yet you can get there if you go via Canada. Is Canada a metaphor? Or is it more like a simile? What time is it at the North Pole, and why? These are the kinds of questions and declarative sentences I have been asking myself in my ongoing efforts to crack the Code of Time and foretell the future before it happens. I am very close.
Thought experiment: you are standing at the US-Canada border, facing south. You see the United States. You do not see Canada because Canada is north. South is 20/20, but north is cold and dark. Temporally speaking, it is December, and just as unknowable. Also, you cannot turn around because of the principle of thermodynamic irreversibility, which is heavily enforced by the TSA. Now. Bend deeply at the waist. Good. Thrust your head between your thighs. What do you see? Canada. You see Canada. And that is how I predict the future.
Not that it’s easy. No, because the Canada I now see is upside down. Signs are upside down, maple trees, hockey, Tim Hortons, and all the people walking around upside down, like in Australia. Time is indeed like the British Commonwealth. Plus, there’s French on the signs, and upside-down French is the nonlinear algebra of temporal hermeneutics, like my au pair used to say. So yes, prognostication is still hard enough to totally justify my salary.
And now, I assume the position and reveal the highlights of the year to come.
MADM policy subdues Kim Jong-un
Donald Trump’s strategy to neutralise the threat of North Korean nuclear attack by taunting supreme leader Kim Jong-un succeeds conclusively. Dubbed “Mutual Assured Dick Measurement” (MADM), Trump’s strategy has long been received with scepticism by a small, disorderly faction of gay black lesbian black Democrats. But on Monday, Trump delivers the decisive blow, comparing the North Korean leader’s penis to that of “a lady”. Kim Jong-un replies that it is “not fair”. “I give up,” he declares, noting that he is “crying”. The entire North Korean nuclear arsenal is subsequently listed on Craigslist. (All prospective buyers flake out, and the stuff is finally just “dumped out back,” sources say.)
Denying accusations of mental instability, Trump announces that “insanity is you do the different things at the same time but you expect not the other same press coverage. Not me. I really have a much bigger & more powerful sanity than anyone.” The next day, Secretary of Health and Human Services, Floopsy the Hamster, unveils a new legal definition of sanity designed to “bring psychology stuff in alignment with modern reality”. It identifies sanity as “mental illness of such a severe nature that a person cannot distinguish fantasy from reality, cannot conduct her/his affairs due to psychosis, or is subject to uncontrollable impulsive behavior.” When reporters note that this is simply the original definition of insanity found in The People’s Law Dictionary (Gerald and Kathleen Hill, 2002), Secretary Floopsy defecates categorically.
Putin annexes Louisiana purchase territory
Мы вас похороним. Нравится вам или нет, но история на нашей стороне. Коммунизм эффективнее, а следовательно переживёт капитализм. Имелся в виду известный тезис Маркса о том, что пролетариат является могильщиком капитализма.
Trump declares early second term
Donald Trump declares himself the winner of the November 2018 midterm elections by a landslide of “trillions of people, all the people.” “You can’t do an election without presidents on it. That’s not an election,” he explains before unveiling a map of “the greatest gerrymander, the best gerrymander.” It reveals an elaborate, sprawling voting district winding from Sanford, Florida, through Gadsden, Alabama, up around both the Dakotas, then you take US Route 183 all the way down to Lometa, Texas, hang a right to avoid Austin, and kinda wingle-wangle your way to Fountain Hills, Arizona. Trump publicly demands a concession “from somebody, really could be anybody,” which Michael Dukakis finally grants from his home in Brookline, Massachusetts. Trump triumphantly tweets a request for “that cool 45 swastika logo but with a 46 now.”
Magna Carta revoked
We’re bringing back the golden oldies: arbitrary scutage, the forcible remarriage of widows, reinstatement of fish weirs, and the destandardisation of weights and measures for wine, ale, corn and cloth. Expect to have your horse or cart requisitioned by royal officials pretty much whenever. Watch the Dow surge when children are once again required to pay interest to Jewish money lenders on inherited debts. And if you’re a Welshman, hey, stay outta trouble! Note that one item repealed in 1863 will be reinstated: Magna Carta clause 54 preventing men from being arrested on the testimony of a woman.
Copernican revolution quelled
Led by America, geocentric counterinsurgents successfully take control of the town of Frombork, Royal Prussia, stronghold of the Copernican Heliocentric League. The CHL, a terrorist organisation composed primarily of disgruntled black Jewish gay lesbian black trans-Jewish sciencers, has been attempting to curb American freedom since the publication in 1543 of De revolutionibus orbium coelestium by gay socialist “astronomer” Nicolaus “Tricky Nicky” Copernicus. The book lays out a Mexi-Feminist plot to force the Earth and the other four planets to go around the sun instead of the other way around. In press releases issued over the last four and a half centuries, the CHL also demands the sphericisation of the world and denies that the Earth is only Jesus years old. The capture of Frombork represents a major advance for the cause of geocentric freedom. Press Secretary, Flappy the Cryogenically Preserved Mackerel, reports the seizure of “an assload” of Copernicus’s books, notes and correspondence, and a seditious grocery list, all of which to be hurled off the edge of the world.
Glossolalia new official US language
Blabaloobla squeedlybeet. Flibblenip white genocide swizzlemynk, very fine people on both beeblestumps. Otoputi. Poikydoik black gay lesbian black trans snarzleqwan gay literate frizzbink climate shnork. Make sleezleqot flarb again!
The farther my gaze, the hazier the craze. Some of it is that in this crouchy position the blood is running to my head and my thighs are cutting off circulation to my ears. Plus, I had Mexican for lunch. And Mexico is not a metaphor. Honestly though, it’s a straight-up Hieronymus Bosch rally up ahead. My advice? Buy more stuff while you can and keep your eyes fixed on the celebrity juice. I’m taking my head out of my crotch and getting back to my book burning.