While you were asleep: 2018’s most explosive trend hits, Man speaks gibberish for charity, Colonel Sanders’ secret out

Well, it’s abject insanity for breakfast again I’m afraid, as Japan enabled a moronic trend, a man raised charity through self-harm and we know KFC’s secret recipe. Again.



Well, I’m just going to call it now, so when it blows up, I can smugly feel validated. Crank the klaxon as 2018’s first questionable fad is upon is. The false doomsday alarm challenge. Not a week since one forward-thinking trendgineer in Hawaii kicked off the possibility of the apocalypse, Japanese broadcaster NHK has kept the momentum rolling.



The cool thing about it was that NHK followed Hawaii exactly, sending a wave of text alerts to phones around the country stating unequivocally that North Korea had launched a missile, before later confirming that said missile didn’t actually exist, and ahhhh got ya. Classic.



As far as trends go, it’s pretty shit. I love the lawless impulsive fear it enables, but I feel overexposure will strip it of its value. I mean, as soon as Ellen DeGeneres gets a hold of it, it’s over.

That being said, at least it’s not the Harlem Shake.





I know you should never look a gift horse in the mouth, as it will angrily trample your with its helpful hooves, but…here’s looking at you, glue. Overnight, YouTuber Graham “The Christian” Heavenrich trumpeted the catchphrase of rap music’s anti-christ one million times for the impoverished children of America.



Naw. I mean, no. I mean, it’s a great feat of moronic endurance, sure. However, if I was a child in need of new shoes, or a bag for school, and I have certainly been both, would I accept the garments knowing that they were only made possible by a (gucci) gang of nefarious intent?

I’m unsure. However, everyone knows about the Lil Pump curse, where it is said that whoever says his name online a million times will summon the beast, and he’ll severely reduce your IQ as punishment from being awakened from the nether realm.

Thoughts and prayers go out to Graham The Christian.

Gucci gang, gucci gang, gucci gang.



I can’t confirm this for absolutely sure, but there’s nothing that dead genius hate more than their apathetic relatives, specky little shits they’ve never met, freeloading off their legacy. I mean, George Orwell’s 1984 sits atop the best-seller list, and you suspect that George Orwell III just purchased a sweet flame job to sex up his uber yacht. There’s no anti-Telescreen/dangers of technology/autocracy foundation on Google, and by, George we certainly need it in 2018.

That’s up for debate. However, one the last few true secrets in the world, The Colonel’s Seven Secret Herbs and Spicers has apparently been leaked by a living cousin of Harlan, which essentially means that the cat is out of the bag, and the chicken is in the pan.



So, way to tear down the family legacy, dingus. However, suspicion abounds, as I no longer trust those dudes. You see, they lied to us. The viral kick in which one man figured out that the Colonel only followed the Spice Girls and five dudes named Herb on Twitter was a very smart marketing campaign, which made me feel stupid.

Moreover, the cousin releasing the recipe is nothing new, as the sharpest, laziest Google search will reveal that the original leak dates back to early 2017. J’accuse!



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