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While you were asleep: Nationalist fights Jaguar, Amazon’s automated jungle opens, Hot Tongan learns to ski

Well, it’s Monday, but fortunately, there’s sweet nonsense to pull your attention away from it. A group of Jaguars is currently fighting a group of men, and Amazon logged the internet jungle.

 

 

A Jaguar and a redneck meet to work out their differences on a football field. Well, two legs for starters, America.

It’s a clash that speaks to the very heart of the United States. Two opposing nonsense icons of meet on a manicured lawn to come to very organised blows briefly interspersed with committee meetings. We’re one game removed from the big one, that one game a year where the world groups to watch advertisements, the chance of a Jackson boobie, or to make the same fetid joke in opposition to the day. Yes, the 52nd Superb Owl is almost upon us. A place where hyperbole rules, and great titans descend from Mt Olympus to shatter their own god-like appearance.

 

 

But, before we’re able to plow the fertile ground of the gridiron for memes (like that apathetic shark), there’s an entree that must be poked at first. The AFC Championship game, where a deadly mountain cat from Florida must kill and devour a drunken uber-nationalist who ran away from home to put the new in New England.

Jaguars. Patriots. Who do you have closest to your heart?

Also,

 

Amazon’s first totally automated store opens, writer reaches for the quill of tradition.

Amazon the store is very much like it’s jungle namesake. A place I’d never like to visit, despite the unique jewels it promises. It’s just too dangerous, and the risk of feeling the venomous bite that would instantly cripple me (read: bank account) is just too high. No, thank you.

However, it seems that many are more foolish than I, as they prepared to be swept down that river, as Amazon’s first store of a new tone officially opened its doors in Seattle. But the kicker is that no-one was no staff there to greet you.

 

 

Yes, that’s right. No checkouts, no cashiers, no fumbled small talk or attempts at romance. Just a rigid system of security cameras and retail algorithms to follow you. Which, for introverts like me, Brave New World. But, for the parents of introverts like me, it’s not so good. You see, the only reason I came to be in this world was at as a result of a thousand half-stares and hundreds of small conversations at a checkout aisle. Dad (who was a barcode), and Mum (yes, she was a barcode scanner. I know. Cliche.) were only able to pluck up the courage through bare repetition. They grew close through contact…and I’ll leave you to fill in the rest, because I don’t want to think about the furiously increasing beeping that produced me. Blergh.

So, I’m all for automation, as you complaining meat bags have had your turn, but, we should be mindful of tradition.

 

 

Tongan flag bearer goes the full ‘Cool Runnings’ – sadly decides to do it clothed.

Yo. Remember that ridiculously hot flag bearer at the Rio Olympics who simultaneously kept the Tongan baby oil industry alive and threw your marriage into question? Well…

 

I mean, yes. A man from a tropical clime miraculously qualifying for a wintery sport is an achievement worthy of Sanka Coffee. However, it’s been done, and they weren’t program flutteringly chiseled. So, Mr Taufatofua, well done, but you really should have picked an Olympic sport that didn’t require a shirt, so we could all continue to eyeboink you.

 

 

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