There’s a distinctive Cronenbergian flavour to our Fake News search this week. So, enjoy the body horror of five-foot tapeworms, hollow athletics and spreading disease.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Ball-less soccer video castrated by greater previous examples.
This annoys me. Not because it’s yet another lazy barbed lashed across the noble shoulders of football by those who castigate the sport for paying borderline haemophiliacs the GDP of Cyprus to fall over a lot and very occasionally try to kick a piece of plastic under a piece of metal.
As a fan of the beautiful game, the following doesn’t annoy me.
But as a nerd and student of history, it infuriates me. You see, this concept of playing without a ball for the purposes of entertainment has been done far better, and far previous to 2017, the year this fetid turd uncoiled itself on the doorstep of your newsfeed, grinning stupidly, with tongue firmly in cheek.
The history of ball-less sportsball stretches far beyond Stephen Fry. In fact, the great Negro League ballplayers of the 1930s wowed the crowds of their time, warming up in an extremely convincing pantomime routine called Shadowball. According to those who saw it, they bought they act, despite the obvious fact that they knew it was obviously false. Which, I’d love to show you clip to demonstrate, but sadly, no footage exists, and the memories of the pioneering athletic shysters has been lost to history.
Thanks, institutional racism!
Internet Curio #2 – Onions ward off the flu, science wards off the charms of old wives.
The humble vegetable in a bowl in an effort to ward off the evil that has no name is a tradition as old as your mum. As everyone knows, garlic wards off Vampires, stonefruit keeps gypsies away from your property line, and according to the Internet, onions will stop influenza from knocking on your door.
It’s a shame that they didn’t have the Internet back in 1918, as they might have been able to save the 50-100 million people that disease killed off. Well, actually, it’s probably best they didn’t, as they’d still be very much dead.
You see, it’s actually a tale spun by the oldest of wives, and is a falsehood, finally undone by the WSJ in 2009.
The common theory is that due to the dense nature of the onion, it sort of acts like Lynx Effect for flu germs. They cannot resist the onion, because the onion brings drama, and there’s nothing the flu loves more than some class-A gossip.
Actually, the theory shot to prominence after that horrific pandemic, which knowing the human psyche, is probably an attempt by those who survived to articulate the unspeakable with nonsense repeated enough to be believed, probably in an effort to distract from the fact that medical science couldn’t save those they loved, or indeed themselves should the disease come back. Which is a bit of a downer, but don’t think about that, here’s what the Wall Street Journal said:
Biologists say it’s highly implausible that onions could attract flu virus as a bug zapper traps flies. Viruses require a living host to replicate and can’t propel themselves out of a body and across a room.
The idea that onions have medicinal properties goes back millennia and spans many cultures. Egyptians thought onions were fertility symbols. Ancient Greeks rubbed them on sore muscles, and Native Americans used them to treat coughs and colds. Herbalists note that the World Health Organization recognizes onion extracts for providing relief in the treatment of coughs, colds, asthma and bronchitis. As with most home remedies, there have been few scientific studies with humans — and none on record involving raw onions placed across a room.
The truth is that Onions — cut, peeled, or otherwise — aren’t going to secure your living space from the flu virus, either 2009’s swine version or any other year’s contagion. Sadly, disease always outpaces the cure, so in many ways, yes, bless you, you’re fucked. We all are.
…someone’s cutting onions.
Internet Curio #3 – Man gets new worm pal after overindulging on sushi.
The term don’t believe everything you read is just shorthand for the moment you feel personally attacked by something; self-preservation dictates you cast it off. Yeah, nah. This absolutely goes for the Californian man who recently had a five-foot-long wiggling interloper dug out of him.
Sadly, the story is absolutely true.
Dr Kenny Bahn, the physician who discovered the monster was good enough to share the moment, you know, in his expert opinion, stating: “I have seen and treated intestinal worms and parasites before, but never had a patient bring in a giant tapeworm.”
For those curious, Tapeworms are a type of parasitic flatworm (also called cestode) most often taken into the body by eating contaminated raw meat or fish. They reside in the digestive tracts of infected human beings or non-human animals, where they hold themselves in place using the suckers on their heads, and they may or may not cause noticeable symptoms ranging from abdominal discomfort to intestinal blockage. They can grow to more than 30 feet in length.
But what I don’t agree with, is the theory that the man got his intestinal roomie through the medium of salmon sashimi. Which I automatically call bullshit, because I eat it all the time and nothing happens to…oh Jesus what the hell is that…I think it’s moving. Get it out of me man, get it —
Please ignore what I said before. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with eating sashimi. In fact, you should eat as much as you can. My friends need houses — I mean, it’s good for you.
(I think they’re buying it.)