While you were asleep: Pope blames Fake News on the devil, China bans hip-hop, Brit booked over emoji

Wow. Abandon all hope ye who enter. Overnight we’ve witnessed the Pope call out Fake News, China banning tattoos and hip-hop and one millennial driving and emoji-ing.



Pope calls out Fake News, organises Holy Crusade to defeat it.

Hmm. 2018 really is a hot mess, a golem of bin juice and flaming refuse. For all of Donald’s crimes (or purported crimes), the crown of thorns, the veil of tears, the shroud of Turin really must be him elevating the term “Fake News” into whatever the hell it is today. I’m not exactly sure what it exactly is.

Either does the Pope, seemingly. Overnight, the right-hand man to the big man upstairs launched a Holy Crusade against the what he calls the work of the devil, likening Fake News to the moment that Adam & Eve were lead astray by a snake quoting a medical study that was not peer-reviewed.



On his papal stationery, Francis says that he wants to help society rediscover “the dignity of journalism and the personal responsibility of journalists to communicate the truth.” In the statement, The pope explains what fake news is, how to recognise it, and how to defend from it before proposing a new “journalism of peace.”

I’m sorry il Papa, but what the ecclesiastical fuck. Moreover, if the church is now going to regulate Fake News, that’s problematic, considering atheists and other denominations the world over consider you as the very thing you’re policing.



China bans tattoos and hip-hip from appearing on television. Go you, China.

You know what, China unfairly receives a lot of global criticism. I suppose we knock what we don’t understand. Yes, they locked up Ai Weiwei, gentrified Tibet, and disappeared that man who defeated the military with his groceries, but they’re good people – and that’s all in the past, we should look to the future.

China knows this, and they’ve started to futureproof themselves from douchebags. In a strong move, the government has outlawed the appearance of tattoos and ‘hip-hop culture’ from their telescreens. A move which should receive all the applause, and attach the shiniest “Great Job” sticker we have on their lapels.



Let’s do the math. Both hip-hop and tattoos have had their time, and that’s certainly not now. In fact, both constructs are actually fucking lame in 2018. The tattoo has become mainstream, as every piece of fetid shite is immortalised, which absolutely goes for hip-hop. Do we really want to see a 45-year-old billionaire rap, pretending that he’s the underdog, still has the same axe to grind, despite possessing a ludicrous house and the GDP of Malta?


Great move, China.

If you’re curious about what you should ban next, China, please consider reality television, the selfie, dabbing, clickbait, levity, subtext and the Bunnings sausage sizzle.


Come at me. Spending $400 on a bandsaw to enjoy a $2 sausaged bread makes no sense. Fiduciary or otherwise.



Rozzers book Brit, offers emoji as an excuse.

Overnight, one Englishman was pulled over by the constabulary who took umbrage with what his behaviour whilst operating his motor vehicle, deciding to use his phone while driving, and not bothering to wear a seatbelt.




Now, I’m not entirely sure what the penalty is in Britain for emoji-ing whilst driving (my Google search turned vague results), but if there was anything worth reinstating capital punishment in that cloudy land, surely this would have to be it.

Don’t use an emoji to enthral your partner, kids. Not even once. Your genitals will turn to stone.




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