You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you, the week that’s just past. I can smell it on you. You’ve been with that Piers Morgan again, haven’t you? You sicken me.
Sometimes you get in a relationship that people just don’t understand why you’re together in the first place. Cue the thousand of text changes, social events or platitudes to your closest, defending your new beau. It’s fortunate, because it acts as a sort of self-denial. The constant defence of relationship you know is questionable, actually gives it merit. Even if you do end up looking like a complete cockwaffle in the process.
Piers Morgan and Donald Trump have that kind of relationship. Their confused amour fou was on full display this week, as they met in London, where Piers bought Donald a shirt that he thought he’d look good in because it’s got your name on it, babe.
What followed was a really unfortunate hot flaming piece of garbage, as Donald unhinged his jaw, and trumpeted this:
President Trump has declared he is NOT a feminist.
He tells me: ‘No, I wouldn’t say I’m a feminist. I mean, I think that would be, maybe, going too far. I’m for women, I’m for men, I’m for everyone.’
Full interview, Sunday, ITV, 10pm. pic.twitter.com/GCviovNb6o
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) January 27, 2018
Which, bitterly, garnered this response, in response to our response:
If Trump tweeted an image like this depicting Hillary Clinton & a female interviewer, all those currently celebrating/retweeting it would erupt with outraged cries of ‘Sexist!’ ‘Misogynist!’ ‘Homophobic!’ – led by the BBC.
Liberal hypocrisy in all its unedifying glory! pic.twitter.com/ejd71nqqJP
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 3, 2018
It must be love, love, love. I guess.
Elsewhere on planet nonsense, the big spoon to our social little spoon, Mark Zuckerberg has become equal parts reckless, and donated the entire back catalogue of fucks he doesn’t have. You see, Marky Mark seemingly no longer likes the cut of the jacket his monster (Facebook) wears, so he’s decided to considerably taken in the hem. In English, he’s attempted to make Facebook less pervasive, as has taken steps to ensure that people use his product less. Lolwut.
— Business Insider (@businessinsider) January 31, 2018
I mean, if I owned shares in Facey (and lord knows I wish I did, so I could personally ruin my brain, and expand my pockets), I’d be spinning a revolver menacingly on my finger pointed in his direction. However, Zuckers being Zuckers, it sort of didn’t make a difference on the bottom line. In fact, this happened:
Facebook has cut the time that its users spend on its network by 50 million hours a day – but profits are up https://t.co/sEA4CRjKLH
— The Times of London (@thetimes) February 1, 2018
Just buy the world already, Mark.
Back on more familiar shores, we witnessed a familiar face smiling in an unfamiliar situation. And what a smile it is.
— Nine News Australia (@9NewsAUS) February 2, 2018
Christine’s brother made the ceremony, which by all accounts was rather lovely, and all attending were indeed happy to be there. Look at his smiling face. Naw.
Elsewhere, an equally happy elected scamp was similarly castigated for enjoying himself, as the Hugo Weaving of AusPol, Christopher Pyne decided to take the tram to work.
Typically, we all pointed and laughed, because we all understood that public transport is not a laughing matter, and it is certainly not a fun as his face tells us. Take our destitution seriously, Christopher. Wipe that smile off your face. We’re dying over here. Speaking of that face, if Pyne, for whatever reason, is the subject of a biopic, please please please pick up the phone and get Agent Smith. It’s eerie.
Compare the pair.
— Christopher Pyne (@cpyne) February 1, 2018
Actually, to be honest he looks more Abbott than Pyne there. Maybe Hugo could play three roles in a local political drama/satire, like Dr Strangelove. I’d watch that. And I’ve claimed the idea as intellectual property.
Elsewhere in nonsense political news, the candidate from Barbados, Rihanna, who, as we all remember was elected on her umbrella awareness platform (eee, eee, eee, eee), shot the Australian government a rather official email, which in turn enabled the process and gained funding for a collective of people who absolutely needed it.
5.21am – Rihanna @’s Turnbull and Bishop asking for $200m for the global partnership for education
1.45pm – Bishop announces $90m for the global partnership for education pic.twitter.com/POct8kMcK1
— Josh Butler (@JoshButler) February 2, 2018
What the fudge. That’s some actual rapid governmenting. Considering our inability to get anything through our pointlessly split house, maybe Mal should employ Ri-Ri as Senate whip?
Weird and Wonderful
As the great contemporary thinker/actually proper modern artist Shia LaBeouf once said: Do it. Just do it. Don’t let your dreams be dreams. Yesterday you said tomorrow. So just do it. Make your dreams come true. Just do it(!)
This week, one hoops fan took his lesson to heart and actioned it with his feet as he snuck onto the pre-game shootaround, somehow bamboozling the ballboys to allow him to put a shot up before the constabulary returned him to his seat.
I’m crying lmao he really started warming up with the team pic.twitter.com/gz0rEL0Ssu
— Bruh Report (@BruhReport) January 29, 2018
Props indeed, young man.
And finally, the beauty of the first months of the new year is the unknown. Yes, time is a man-made concept, and last year is no different to this one, but we’re unaware of this yet. And in that ignorance lies the quarry. We’re not entirely sure who’ll be the unfortunate sod who’ll be victimised by everyone else in 2018, but journalist Mark Kelly has a clue.
Whatever they’re paying mark Kenny for his analysis, it’s not enough pic.twitter.com/vPDm5vsASs
— compulsory phonics (@macaulaybalkan) February 2, 2018
See you next week!