While you were asleep: FBI knew about Florida shooter, Mother turns lemons into silver, Cape Town residents scared straight

Friday. I like when I wake up next to you. Overnight, the FBI fielded accusations by a hurt populace, one mother made divorce tacky and Cape Town rung in Doomsday with an (un)friendly face.



Reports believe that FBI were warned about Nikolas Cruz before yesterday’s school shooting.

Yesterday was one of extreme violence (and hyperbole) in the United States. However, the day after and the focus has typically shuffled on to who to blame. This morning, news emerged that the FBI were warned about the shooter, Nikolas Cruz, by ways of a questionable Youtube comment which blatantly said “I’m going to be a professional school shooter”



Pump your brakes here kiddies. Yes, that particular comment has not aged well, mortally so, but considering the amount of “possible” suspects the Feeb gets everyday, it would be difficult to take a solitary YT comment as gospel, or at least true enough to kick down a door. You could suppose that they can’t be everywhere. There is a paranoia addled alternate thought here, in that the government is paying attention to your moronic hot takes in comment boxes across the nation. Those poor intelligence agents.



Mum presents daughter with symbol of a broken marriage – a tacky necklace.

The breakdown of a marriage is something that two thirds of us have, or will experience. When it all falls down, it behooves one to not act like a dick, either for the benefit of children, fur children or just your general damn self. Being a quality ex is important, as it proves that you’re the bigger person and not willing to entertain the fetid squabbling nonsense bullshit over crockery that eventually broke the relationship you both treasured so much. Just because I work from home, it doesn’t mean that I’m a housekeeper you can fuck, Helen. 

What? Seriously. Kids, when you move in with someone, take the division of labour seriously. It seems pointless and childish, but pick zones and stick to it. Seriously. For reals.

Annnnnyway. One divorced couple on the internet turned the beauty of divorce into a tacky trinket presenting their daughter with a necklace reforged from Mum’s wedding band. The result, well, it’s sweet and moving, and godfuckingdamn what is that.



I suppose it’s a spectacular subtle burn to the constructs of matrimony – something you have to wear, but you’d never dare in public, because you couldn’t deal with the shame. The subtext here: Don’t get married. 

Good one, Mum.


Cape Town authorities debut the friendly face of the upcoming apocalypse.

The water crisis in Cape Town is no laughing matter, at some point in the very near future, Capetownians will run out. The local government knows this, and perhaps were tired of people not taking #DayZero aqua-dequately seriously, so they’ve rolled out a helpful drip to reverse that trend.



Yeah. The mascot, Splash, presumably named after the moment when all your interior muck falls on the floor after he cleaves apart your sternum to tap your own water source (because we’re 75% water, duh), and I’m not sure how to end that sentence because I’m lost in his eyes of pure hatred, and why yes, Splash, I will buy all the bottled water in Sydney and send it to Cape Town. Whatever you want man, I don’t want no trouble. What? Ye-eah, I can pee myself, but then you don’t get the water my jeans do — ok, alright, ok, I’m doing it. I’m d– oh god. There. Happy now, Splash? No! I didn’t mean like that. Splash?




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