Jim Pembroke

No flies on Barnaby: What to do with the leader of the (g)nats?

Even in his week off, the buzzing of Barnaby Joyce can still be heard. Actually, thinking about it, some obvious comparisons can be drawn.

 

 

There are gnats and there are Nats. Do you whack either or both? The former are small black flies with bug eyes, wearing Akubras; the latter are morally confused politicians.

Both seem to be a blight that requires constant swatting.

Under a microscope, it’s possible to identify the leader of the gnats. A chubby, red-faced, daddy longlegs – Myceto Barnabae.

Myceto Barnabae is infested with bedbugs and the other gnats are keeping their distance. They’re worried that he might give them cooties. So, what was initially a sting, a buzz and a scolding for Barnaby has now turned into a full-blown insect swarm – an attack you’d gladly cover yourself in cow dung for, just to keep the pests away.

But Barnaby is taking them on. Like a preying mantis with a voracious appetite, he swivels his head 360 degrees searching in the cloud of gnats for any challengers – he’s ready for a fight to the death.

 

Will Barnaby be able to hold off this rising hum of incrimination? He’s taken leave to consider his position but the leader of the gnats says he’s not flying anywhere.

 

Barnaby has always wanted to be the leader of the gnats, ever since he was larvae feeding on root hairs under a mate’s stump in Armidale. He tended that stump religiously and brought in special treats from a pork barrel for the other gnats.

Barnaby had his ups and downs like any gnat. There was the pesticide scandal of 2016, the infamous puppy attacks and the time other insects found he had dual-gnatship. But he saw out all these crises – exoskeleton stronger, antenna more erect. There are no flies on Barnaby.

However, it didn’t stay that way for long. Things began to unravel badly when he left his sperm sac  lying around and a young female gnat happened upon it. This is an all too common occurrence where courtship is held hostage to primitive insectoid drives. This simple but shocking error set in play a world of woe for the entire species. What we see of Barnaby now is an eviscerated male gnat fighting off his party’s own gruesome form of sexual cannibalism.

This is driving the arthropods into a frenzy. Sure, they say it’s about the misuse of taxpayer funds but we all know that for those conservative creepy crawlies, it’s always been about the vibrating antennas and titillating penile spines.

Will Barnaby be able to hold off this rising hum of incrimination?

He’s taken leave to consider his position but the leader of the gnats says he’s not flying anywhere. An unrepentant Barnaby can be heard skittering angrily around the spoiled rotten fruit and damp fungus of many New England hot spots.

Probably best to stay away from Myceto Barnabae. Gnats also inhabit decaying compost and can have a painful bite.

So, if one lands on you, forget about the insect spray – smack that Nat hard and smack it fast.

 

Jim Pembroke

Jim Pembroke grew up in Brisbane, Queensland, where he learnt to sail, and got his B.Ed at QUT where he learnt to write, M.Ed at JCU, Townsville, where he learnt to think. He now lives permanently on his boat where he writes too much.

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