Victorian government bans balloons, Balloon industry organises revolt

After one Victorian council moved to ban plastic from their events, balloon industry types have criticised them for the sudden bursting of their financial bubble.



The Victorian government has moved against the rising tide of superfluous plastic, with one council banning disposable food containers, cups and balloons from council-sanctioned events. In response, a group from the Victorian Balloon industry have taken umbrage with their proud business twisted from the once ornate giraffe it was to the what is it supposed to be? it represents this morning.

I know what you’re thinking.

There’s a balloon industry?

Balloon Artists and Suppliers Association president Ray Stewart spoke to the ABC (and I’m unsure whether he speaks in a helium heightened timbre), stating: “I know that councils all across the country have had a lot of activism on their shoulders at the moment regarding balloons from small environmental groups…to push balloons in with their plastic bans…it’s just dishonest, it doesn’t give the issue of latex balloons the attention it deserves.”

Latex balloons versus plastic balloons. How much do I not want to get stuck next to someone at a dinner party who is keen to explain the difference. That being said, the actions of the Darebin council actually restrictions the ability for these citizens to earn a living, which is certainly not right. The aforementioned council stretches influence over the suburbs of Preston, Northcote and Thornbury, which according to the 2016 census, is at least 75,980 Melburnians. So, significant coin for the small business owner there, considering the twelve major events the council holds on a yearly basis at the very least.



It is unknown at this stage how deep the opposition to the balloon ban will go, but if you want to make sure people are listening, balloon people, just occupy a space and manipulate your balloons to produce a great cacophony of that fucking noise that no-one can handle for a sustained period of time.

Actually don’t, considering the amount of power that noise has over the human eardrum, I wouldn’t be surprised if a small gathering of resistance quickly morphs into a full-scale coup d’etat. Consider the scene, our new unelected leader screaming epithets from gaudy podium made of balloons and streamers, eyes cast down upon a marching unison mass of small business owners holding wobbling olive drab inflatable armaments that float threateningly above them, percussioned by our new authoritarian anthem played by the Melbourne Symphony orchestra relegated to pinching the neck of a balloon.


I, for one, welcome our new balloon overlords.

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