TBS Newsbot

While you were asleep: Vlad rigs election, Tiger Woods golfs, BBC journalist weeps

Monday morning. You again. Overnight, we’ve had Vlad the impoller rig the Russian election, Tiger Woods actually doing well, and one BBC journalist who cannot escape his past.



Russian election might be anything but democratic, but do we really care?

There are few things that Russia adores more than a hollow ceremony. A triumphant march of self-love, an affirmation of all things that they feel they represent. Shiny belts, buttons and nuclear armaments, as the working class line up for the daily turnip ratio/organised beating.

Russia, much like China is a democracy in name only. It doesn’t really work for the Russians. They’ve always had some sort of ruling class, be in the Tsars of old, or Stalin’s cult of personality. They need a strong hand to throttle them, as they secretly get off on it. Example, when the Union fell, and drunk uncle Boris was elected, it was a fucking disaster. Yeltsin, with the support of Wall Street, attempted to westernise the economy.

It didn’t go well.

To that end, Vladimir Putin is the perfect forever leader for Russia. The ex-KGB operative with a propensity for forced PR opportunities and screwing with the Americans.



He’s a living, breathing antique. A babushka doll with a Kalashnikov. At the time of writing, Russia is gripped with the limp fever of election season, but only because they know how the show ends. As Vlad controls the media, he controls the rhetoric. His most serious opposite, Alexei Navalny, has been banned from running. “It’s fake, we shouldn’t even use the term election, it’s more of a re-coronation,” said James Nixey, the head of the Russia and Eurasia Programme at Chatham House.

So, should we decry the obvious political manipulation and obvious democratic subversion by Putin?


It’s just how they roll.



Tiger Woods reverts to type, plays golf well as the world kind of forgets the entirety of his chicanery.

Tiger Woods, the person made famous by his ability to both play impossible lies and manufacture them is set to do something odd. He’s playing the thing that he does best (other than the field), and might actually win a tournament, and the large novelty cheque that goes with it.



I mean, look. I’m just going to say it, we’re kind of fooled by the accomplishment of the athlete. Especially when said athlete has done something that we personally find extremely questionable. While they might not have changed their ways, or paid their karmic due, all is forgiven if they’re able to put a ball in a hole fewer times than everyone else.

It’s kind of what we do. The American’s hold Babe Ruth as the meta-American, despite the fact that he was a pisshead who rutted all of New York’s prostitutes, despite being married. Mike Tyson was convicted of rape, yet we all chuckle at his lisp, put him in movies and wonder at his ability to punch someone in the face.

The narrative clearly matters, not the very real problems these people cause. I mean, great to have you back swinging a club, Tiger, and I liked 2005 too, but you’ll excuse me if I don’t offer polite applause.



BBC journalist made famous by his meddling kids has promised to keep the schtick going, lights a candle for his very serious career.

Not everyone is blessed by the Madonna of invention. For every Da Vinci or Edison, there are those who are kicked in the rattlers by her. Case in point, the BBC journalist whose career was forever marked by his daughter’s Tony Maneroesque strut. Quickly, he became known as the guy who ignored his kids the world over, aided and abetted by the flash of maternal panic swept into the room, elevating the 45-second tidbit into forever legendary company.

It was, for all of us, couple goals in the strictest definitions.

Sadly, what we do on the Internet echoes through eternity, and when the bloke in question returned to our attention, he was kept by the idea of him that we already had.




All of which gleaned the following response from the man himself.



Which, har-de-har-har and all, but the man is a professor of political science, and he’s kept in the same scorn as old musicians having the gall to play their new stuff. #FreeRobert