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While you were asleep: Zuckerberg apologises for Facebook, Affleck’s bad tattoo, UK

I hope you like unfulfilling nonsense! Overnight, Mark Zuckerberg said “soz”, Ben Affleck debuted his tattoo and the brits honoured Ringo Starr. Unsure why.

 

 

Zuckers emerges from bowels of Facebook, apologises over Cambridge Analytica.

Through the entirety of this Cambridge Analytica cockbiscuit, there has been a rather towering voice missing. Where for art thou, Zuckers? Cue a storm rolling in, and emerging from stage left is Mark Zuckerberg, everyone’s favourite dictatorial dopamine dealer, uttering a limp soliloquy of apology which boiled down to yeah, my bad.

 

So, tl;dr, it seems that Facebook has done something to make sure that the same thing would never ever ever ever happen again. Until the next election. As the man himself said: “I started Facebook, and at the end of the day I’m responsible for what happens on our platform. I’m serious about doing what it takes to protect our community. While this specific issue involving Cambridge Analytica should no longer happen with new apps today, that doesn’t change what happened in the past. We will learn from this experience to secure our platform further and make our community safer for everyone going forward.”

 

via GIPHY

 

 

Ben Affleck reveals a massive back tattoo, after previously claiming that it didn’t exist.

Ah, the back tattoo. The realm of those desperate for attention. Actor Ben Affleck, Hollywood’s most preeminent chair filler, I mean he was excellent as uberdouchecanoe Shannon from Fashionable Male in Mallrats, but the rest, ehhhhhh.

 

 

Look, I get it. Hollyweird is exposure, and one is only as worthy as their last piece of plastic nonsense news, but this is just weird. It seems that the Batfleck has a rather large tattoo, one which he claimed he was, like, totally doing for a movie, but as it turns out, not so much.

The brilliant thing about it, is that it is both horrible and awful. Horrorawful.

 

 

I mean, I’d still do him, but why lie for?

 

 

The British knight the only remaining Beatle left, because Sir Paul is dead.

Oh, Britain. Or England. Or the United Kingdom, whatever you’re calling yourself these days, this is why no-one really cares about you anymore. Overnight, everyone’s favourite Beatle who hates the Beatles, Ringo Starr, was made a Knight of the Realm, forever and from this point forth, thy prefix of “Sir” will arrive on thy gas bill.

Arise, Sir Ringo.

 

 

I mean, for what? For many of my generation, he will forever be the voice of Thomas the Tank Engine, which is important, but the man was famously slammed for being not even the best drummer in The Beatles. I mean, call me a stuffy, rank traditionalist, but what happened to knighting people who were worthy of the title? You know, true Brits. Those guys who left for the new world, and shot, shagged and ruined every ancient culture they could get their grubby imperialistic hands on?

They, they were proud days.

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