While you were asleep: Trump threatens Russia, Athletes ditch Comm Games, Plants complain about Sydney

Morning, gorgeous. Overnight, Donald made a series of stupid threats, the Commonwealth Games were ditched and our houseplants are now as bad as us.



Donald ruins missile surprise with Russia, spoils Syria’s party.

Donald Trump might not be a smart man, but he knows what love is. Actually, well maybe not. Doesn’t matter. What he does seem to struggle with, is the element of surprise. Nothing he does is surprising, which in itself, is surprising. In the regular parlance, he’d be that person to tell you, and everyone at the party, what he bought for your birthday before you got a chance to unwrap it.

Syria (you remember Syria, you know that awful thing that was awful, but carried on regardless of how much we stopped talking about it) is set to be the catalyst (again) of strained US/Russo relations (again) after Donald tweeted stupidity (again) after chemical weapons were allegedly loosed on the people of that country (yes, again)



Sidebar, but Gas Killing Animal would be an excellent name for a thrash metal band.

I’m of the mind that Twitter should have a stake driven through its heart, buried in flame and garlic and earth above it salted. Being let into the mind of a diplomat is a terrible terrible burden. Strangely* DT took the opportunity to flex his cerebral muscle (which sits next to his wallet), solving the entirety of the issue in the same sweeping pomp as a first-year university student, suddenly armed with the knowledge of a first chapter he was introduced to, and now keen to rewrite both history, and the general assumption that his friends previously had of him.




Eight athletes go missing at Commonwealth Games, echoes nation’s apathy.

So, the athletic anabolic aloe for this country rolls on, with Australia leading the medal tally (yawn), but as morning meets the Commonwealth Games, they’re short eight competitors. Hailing from the nation of Cameroon, the athletes are currently classified as ‘missing’ after failing to show up for their scheduled events. To be honest, it’s a black eye for the nation. I mean, they’re guests in our country, making sweeping assumptions of our nation based on the fucking Gold Coast. With the Border Patrol now in pursuit (which is a great look), I’m wondering if we can find them, and relocate them to a more palatable city to be lost in.

The man who is feeling the loss the most is the CEO of the Commonwealth Games, David Grevemberg who has taken their wagging personally, stating that it is “obviously disappointing” that they didn’t bother to turn up and/or take the event seriously. Dave, they’re doing what we’re all thinking, babe.



Houseplants now complaining about the housing conditions of Sydney, we must answer for our sins.

Sydney is a wonderful city, a true jewel that no-one can afford, but we keep paying the minimum lay-by payments on the hope that we could maybe one day wear it around our necks. Another thing we’re all bound to, is finding flaws in the diamond. We live here, yes, but our ability to complain about it is a right of passage. Sadly, we’re all been depressing the whinge button a bit too frequently, as now our antagonistic gripes have crossed over, polluting a previously neutral species.

According to the ABC, it seems our plants have now drooped to our level, twigging to our great past-time, loudly complaining about the weather. A spokesperson for trunk-hunk relations (and clearly a man who can speak tree) Tim Pickles of science think-tank Tim’s Garden Centre in Campbelltown disclosed to the ABC: “The trees are just very confused at the moment — they think it’s spring again.”

Tim, next meeting, tell them I said to stop barking. And you can leaf if you don’t like it.


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