Two Lies and a Truth

Fake news or real? Facebook to charge users, Trump brings back nepotism, Fluoride finally outed

Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet. Especially the theories that Facebook will charge their users, Donald helped Ivanka and that fluoride is evil. Actually, believe one of those.

 

 

Direct from the nether regions of the Internet wasteland comes the sparkled brown plinth of pseudo-truth – or, spoken in its native tongue: “fake news”. It’s a journey we’ve resisted undertaking until we could Shanghai a worthy (unpaid) voyager to bring back the most ornate, exotic and off-smelling spices from the far side of the bugle. Yes, we’ve risked extensive malware cancer to deliver pointless snippets of Internet curio, but treat the lack of knowledge within the mystery pages below with due respect and trepidation, for their edges are moist with the blood of perished interns – those befallen by the disclaimer that warned them of the mortal shock that lay in wait, which they sadly ignored. What they look like now will indeed blow your mind, as it did theirs, wallpapering the cavernous interiors of the tomb that echoed their last click.

Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier. Whichever.

 

Internet Curio #1: Facebook to charge users to steal their metadata.

Facebook is going through a bit of a rough patch. We all signed up to their unique brand of love, and we’re all very angry that they’re not treating us right. Very much like every lover who has been taken advantage of, we’ve been threatening to leave. Threatening to pack up our things and move back in with our ex, Tom (of MySpace).

We know It’d never work out, but still, we threaten. To keep us in their bed, Facebook has promised to clean themselves up and promise that their love actually costs a thing, stating that those who still want to stay in their good graces will have to pay for the pleasure.

According to the Internet, it’s completely legit:

From Saturday morning facebook will become chargeable. If you have at least 10 contacts send them this message. In this way we will see that you are an avid user and your logo will become blue (?) and will remain free. (As discussed in the paper today. Facebook will cost 0.01ps per message. Send this message to 10 people. When you do the light will turn blue otherwise Facebook will activate billing.

Now it’s official! It has been published in the media. Facebook has just released the entry price: £5.99 ($9.10) to keep the subscription of your status to be set to “private”. If you paste this message on your page, it will be offered free (I said paste not share) if not tomorrow, all your posts can become public. Even the messages that have been deleted or the photos not allowed. After all, it does not cost anything for a simple copy and paste.

FACEBOOK JUST RELEASED THEIR PRICE GRID FOR MEMBERSHIP. $9.99 PER MONTH FOR GOLD MEMBER SERVICES, $6.99 PER MONTH FOR SILVER MEMBER SERVICES, $3.99 PER MONTH FOR BRONZE MEMBER SERVICES, FREE IF YOU COPY AND PASTE THIS MESSAGE BEFORE MIDNIGHT TONIGHT. WHEN YOU SIGN ON TOMORROW MORNING YOU WILL BE PROMPTED FOR PAYMENT INFO… IT IS OFFICIAL IT WAS EVEN ON THE NEWS. FACEBOOK WILL START CHARGING DUE TO THE NEW PROFILE CHANGES. IF YOU COPY THIS ON YOUR WALL YOUR ICON WILL TURN BLUE AND FACEBOOK WILL BE FREE FOR YOU. PLEASE PASS THIS MESSAGE ON IF NOT YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE DELETED IF YOU DO NOT PAY!

FACEBOOK JUST RELEASED THEIR PRICE GRID FOR MEMBERSHIP. $9.99 PER MONTH FOR GOLD MEMBER SERVICES, $6.99 PER MONTH FOR SILVER MEMBER SERVICES, $3.99 PER MONTH FOR BRONZE MEMBER SERVICES, FREE IF YOU COPY AND PASTE THIS MESSAGE BEFORE MIDNIGHT TONIGHT. WHEN YOU SIGN ON TOMORROW MORNING YOU WILL BE PROMPTED FOR PAYMENT INFO… IT IS OFFICIAL IT WAS EVEN ON THE NEWS. FACEBOOK WILL START CHARGING DUE TO THE NEW PROFILE CHANGES. IF YOU COPY THIS ON YOUR WALL YOUR ICON WILL TURN BLUE AND FACEBOOK WILL BE FREE FOR YOU. PLEASE PASS THIS MESSAGE ON IF NOT YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE DELETED IF YOU DO NOT PAY!

It is official it was even on the news. Facebook will start charging due to the new profile changes. If you copy this on your wall your icon will turn blue and Facebook will be free for you. please pass this message on if not your account will be deleted if you don’t pay.

From Saturday morning facebook will become chargeable. If you have at least 10 contacts send them this message. In this way, we will see that you are an avid user and your logo will become blue (?) and will remain free. (As discussed in the paper today. Facebook will cost 0.01ps per message. Send this message to 10 people. When you do the light will turn blue otherwise Facebook will activate billing.

However, like all things capitalised on the Internet, it’s actually false. It seems that their toxic brand of love will live forevermore, free to all those who are abused by it. Whoop-de-doo, Basil.

 

 

Internet Curio #2: Donald brings back nepotism. Again.

Nepotism is so hot right now. Actually, to be fair, Presidential Nepotism has cooled significantly since Ivanka got complete access to the nuclear arsenal of the United States. Which is a bit of a shame, we’ve all feared the spoiled daughter loosing atomic hell upon anyone who annoys her.

Sadly, this has not come to pass.

However, news afoot claims that Daddy Donald’s moves against China, both in trade and diplomacy has dinted the table in an iron fist, but also with a thumbs up toward the business interests of Ivanka Trump.

Apparently, the Trump administration announced it would be imposing tariffs on more than 1300 products imported from China, but not certain items that shared the same name as the sitting President. If you happen to believe the internet (and bless you if you do), this is apparently the response from the tariff moves of the Don:

“OMG, DADDY! Make the tax thingie go away.” No worries Ivanka, Daddy Trump made sure to exempt your super classy stretch denim clothing line from his tariffs. Only dirty farming communities and the peasants who labor in manufacturing will suffer. Kay, Princess? Keep making those plastic shoes and skinny jeans with slave labor, tariff-free, of course!

Sadly it seems this satire is not that far off, as some 1,300 products that will be subjected to these tariffs, but not Ivanka Trump. This means that Ivanka’s company will not have pay extra for clothing items imported from China.

The Office of the United States Trade Representative further explained how some 1,300 products were chosen for the tariffs:

Trade analysts from several U.S. Government agencies identified products that benefit from Chinese industrial policies, including Made in China 2025. The list was refined by removing specific products identified by analysts as likely to cause disruptions to the U.S. economy, and tariff lines that are subject to legal or administrative constraints. The remaining products were ranked according to the likely impact on U.S. consumers, based on available trade data involving alternative country sources for each product. The proposed list was then compiled by selecting products from the ranked list with lowest consumer impact.

Tl;dr – It’s not what you know, but who you know, right?

 

 

Internet Curio #3: Fluoride finally outed as a neurotoxin. Sort of.

Depending on who you listen to, fluoride is the greatest antagonist the United States has had to endure. Not gun toting President poppers of yore, not Communists, not the knife-wielding contemporaries, that Alex Jones warned us about. No.

According to spurious filth merchants, Lancet, it seems that fluoride is a neurotoxin. Yeah, Nah.

As a matter of fact, this fluoride truther movement has been shuffling since December 2015, as several identical stories about the neurotoxicity of fluoride have been published on a wide variety of websites with domain names like AltHealthworks.comEnergytherapy.bizOrganic and Healthy.org.

The latest version arrived in Lancet, which presented itself as a large-scale study revealing new toxicologic information about fluoride. Despite the hyperbole, this paper introduced no new data on the aforesaid topic.

The very subtle twist, however, is one worthy of Shyamalan, as the paper made the argument that all chemicals should be considered neurotoxic. The report particularly focused on the youth tomorrow, stating that children are certainly more at risk, citing past research on fluoride as one example of a potentially harmful chemical:

To control the pandemic of developmental neurotoxicity, we propose a global prevention strategy. Untested chemicals should not be presumed to be safe to brain development, and chemicals in existing use and all new chemicals must therefore be tested for developmental neurotoxicity.

To save you some time, the paper was panned, and it primarily contemporised older information to scare the remaining bejesus out of paranoid adults. So, consider it busted. And parents, consider tap water safe to drink.

Don’t be geese.

 

 

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