Hooley dooley, what a week. The war between North and South Korea came to an end, but the NBN still sucks. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Well, this week is certainly a colossal one. It seems that everyone’s favourite geo-political hateboink has seemingly reached climax. With North and South Korea meeting at their fenceline to discuss the possibilities of a peaceful future, the Internet reacted in vague confusion, reaching for both the memes and all the reasons why we shouldn’t take it seriously.
Which kind of makes sense. In the face of such a massive moment, soundtracked by the stacatto spasm of camera shutter, and burnt by the sunlight of a morning that we never thought we’d witness, a confused scratch of the scalp is a completely understandable reaction.
However, as JFK famously quipped, victory has a thousand fathers, defeat an orphan. With that in mind, many claimants have stepped forward, claiming paternity of this newfound peace.
“Without doubt, President @realDonaldTrump has played a significant role in bringing North Korea to the negotiating table.” @JulieBishopMP welcomes denuclearisation talks between North Korea and South Korea. #auspol #7News pic.twitter.com/dXiXkXHWkY
— 7 News Brisbane (@7NewsBrisbane) April 28, 2018
You can thank Dennis Rodman for world peace.
— Senator Briggs (@Briggs) April 27, 2018
— The Independent (@Independent) April 28, 2018
The regal point, however, is thus. Despite our push for peace, we do love a great war. Especially one that predates the commentators tasked to cover it. Now, with the Korean War dead, we must all adjust our focus toward our next top unresolved armed conflict.
To that end, Japan and Russia are still technically fighting World War Two.
Ooooo. Soviet Union versus the Empire of Japan. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight.
The NBN not working is like a warm blanket, or your gran’s seasonal fruit cake recipe. It’s a small slice of continuity. No matter how fast things change, some things never do. Our Internet may be slower than Kenya, but that sense of home is a difficult thing to download.
This week, another great nostaglic buckpassing moment (see also: Turnbull, Labor) as the head of that glacial throne, Bill Morrow blamed the Government’s reliance on the copper veins of the system for the slow flow of their service.
In case you missed it, here is the video Malcolm Turnbull produced to explain why he was hobbling Australia to slow, corroding copper NBN while the rest of the world has gone with fibre.
— Michael Dowling (@MeckeringBoy) April 28, 2018
Venting his spleen all over a paper, Morrow stated that: “…the first and most notable consequence is the maximum speed limitations of copper versus the previous fibre-based model,” he said.
“The use of copper in the last 1 kilometre of the network is the increased fault rate and operating costs versus the all-fibre alternative.”
To that end, the all-fibre route would have meant higher speeds and fewer faults, but would have cost more, according to Morrow.
It’s important, as Malcolm Turnbull previously asked us to consider the positives of his cheaper copper option. Bitterly, it seems as if our slow speeds is a permanent issue, as Malcolm has also stated that copper could last “probably forever”.
When will we ever be free?
Oh, Sco-ley Mo. In a move that proves that identity politics is a beast that never sleeps, but just periodically naps with one eye open, as Scott Morrison has announced that his electorate will honour Captain James Cook with a rather statuesque facelift.
According to The Australian, the redevelopment of the Captain James Cook memorial will encompass a new visitors centre, cafe, exhibition space and ferry wharves as well as an interactive experience where you walk in the shoes of Cook, stepping the sand of a foreign place, only to be killed and eaten by suspicious locals. Just kidding. It’s actually a monument that is set for completion ahead of the 250th anniversary of the first encounter between Cook and Australia’s first peoples.
Which, we all know how that went.
ScoMo believes that the new monument will be “sensitive and beautiful”. Which are strange words to pass through his lips. Further to that point, he said: “The way we intend to implement it would be in a sensitive way, but one that in no way stepped back from acknowledging the national significance of that day almost 250 years ago…it is when that next chapter of Australia’s ancient story began being written and that’s the most modern part of that story… it’s taken us to the incredible country we are today.”