According to a pile of studies on the internet, those who possess an odd name are truly doomed in life. Yes, you should go to war, Balakey.

 

 

What’s in a name? Well, according to numerous studies, your absolute doom. The finer details are nuanced, but one unifying point shines through: If you’re blessed by a unique name, you’re cursed in real life.

 

 

According to the Everestian data, those who exist outside the temple of simple Anglo soubriquet are screwed on the three major plot points in your life: Love, Education and Career.

Your parents done messed up, A-a-ron.

To dissect this autopsy of unfortunate, let us slice the corpse into three chunks.

Career

  • One Marquette study discovered that people with common names are more likely to be hired for a job than others.
  • The above is even truer if your name happens to be super-easy to pronounce, enabled by an NYU study.
  • According to a 2008 study, you’re actually statistically more likely to bag that dream job at a company whose initials mirror your own. Woe betide any non-racist named Kenneth Kent Kentson.
  • Unusual names can even give off a vibe of juvenile delinquency, and make one less likely to make the interview stage, thanks, 2009 study.
  • On that unfortunate note, if your name sounds “white,” you’re more likely to get hired. A study by the American Economic Association documented this pernicious type of discrimination. But, to be fair, that country was built on discrimination, so…
  • However, it’s not all bad news. Well, it is. The European Journal of Social Psych found that using a middle initial makes you seem smarter and more competent. So, stop your crying, Aaron A. Aaronson.

 

So, to all those Balakeys out there, enjoy the sweet embrace of the unemployment line. But, fear not, you’ll feel that sense of community when someone else with dead eyes and jumbled consonants in their name is called before you.

But, can you date that oddly named person you like the look of? Well…

 

Love

  • If they share the same initial letter in your name, could be a goer. As a surprisingly high number of people connect in this fashion. Probably because we’re all selfish, I suppose.
  • With that being said, a 2009 study believes that the oddly handled are still doomed, as the findings point the fact that you’ll be cast to the bin because you’re incorrectly named after a wine.
  • Full-stopping that point is Frank McAndrew, a dork who believes that unfamiliar names are penalised in the romantic world. Womp womp.

 

Education

  • If your boy is different, Mrs Gump, it looks like he’ll be retreading tyres. Not because of mental faculty, but rather because his name starts with the sixth consonant. A 2007 study discovered that people whose names start with a letter early in the alphabet are more likely to be admitted to schools, even when those late in the alphabet have higher scores. Why? You can assume that all admission sheeple are done after the first vowel. What holds for plumbing businesses holds true for Harvard. What a lovely thought to close on.

 

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