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Well, it’s nonsense for breakfast again, as the FIFA glitch invaded our world, Peppa Pig was outed as a revolutionary and the man who threw his shoes at George Bush returned to our attention.

 

 

FIFA glitch invades our world, claims first victim.

FIFA (the video game, not the institution, although) is a bastard construct, a place where physics, controllers and friendships come to die. A complete galaxy of bullshit. The FIFA glitch is the sun of this upside-down universe. By definition, it’s a moment where things go awry, where things really shouldn’t. The limitations of the game produce these moments, and because we keep buying it, it produces more of these moments.

However, it seems the FIFA glitch has entered the zeitgeist, bleeding over into the real world, as this morning’s Champions League tie between Bayern and Real Madrid became the crucible of our new reality, as Teutonic twit Sven Ulreich became the first real-life victim of the FIFA virus.

 

 

 

Thoughts and prayers.

 

 

 

Peppa outed as revolutionary in China, fears the bloody year of the Pig.

Gaze upon the trembling face of rebellion. An unblinking force that shall unite the aggrieved and downtrodden populace to rise and overthrow those who crush the small for their own selfish plutocratic gain.

Xi Jinping, the bell tolls for thee. Oink. Giggle.

 

 

Over in the Forbidden City, China’s forever ruler has deemed Peppa Pig a token of rebellion, banning the pint-sized miscreant from every appearing within his borders, presumably under the penalty of breakfast. Oink.

Look, don’t even bring up Orwell, don’t. I get it. A controlling government, a pig. Well done slick, that one semester of English you snuck into is really paying off. Oink.

Strangely, the schism between Peppa Pig and the People’s Republic of China is a storied one. Those in power, bizarrely believe Pepps to be of the subculture, a kernel of dangerous thought. The government-sponsored mouthpiece, The Global Times even goes as far as stating that Peppa is “the antithesis of the young generation the Party tries to cultivate.”

Which, I mean, geez China, get some cooler subcultures, but they might also have a bit of a point. Oink.

As any parent with toddlers will tell you, Peppa Pig is as basic as she is toxic. She’s a bully, she’s mean and she’s a singular force of selfish change in the cartoon world she inhabits. She’s ostensibly the Fidel Castro of pre-preschool, post-breakfast television.

And for that, China is right to fear her.

Oink.

 

via GIPHY

 

 

 

Guy who threw shoes at George Bush throws hat into political ring.

As it goes in showbiz, you’re only as good as your last performance. In the case of journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi, it’s been a fairly long time between bows. Back in 2008, Muntadhar al-Zaidi became the world’s momentary bae by hurling his clodhoppers at demidouche George W. Bush.

 

 

What I’ve never understood about the above, is that he has to bend over to take off his second shoe, which seriously cripples his accuracy. If you were going to meet a President purely on the basis of chucking footwear at him, surely you’d take them both off just prior to the moment.

Anyway, one day I hope to find out the truth, which is fortunate, as the man himself has decided to run for Iraqi parliament. Muntadhar, not Dubya. I don’t think Dubya would get in. Although, what a run-off that would be.

 

 

Now, my Arabic is not great, so I’m unsure if he’s using his famous shoes as a platform to walk into the job, but, if he’s looking for a campaign slogan, I vote that he look no further than the epithet he hurled at that American President that day: “This is a farewell kiss from the Iraqi people, you dog.”

He’s got my vote.

 

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