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I love the way you lie internet. This week, some dachshunds killed a woman, a woman married a squid and a man didn’t hit the lotto…but imagine if he did.
Direct from the nether regions of the Internet wasteland comes the sparkled brown plinth of pseudo-truth – or, spoken in its native tongue: “fake news”. Yes, we’ve risked extensive malware cancer to deliver pointless snippets of Internet curio, but treat the lack of knowledge below with due respect and trepidation, for their edges are moist with the blood of perished interns – those befallen by the disclaimer that warned them of the mortal shock that lay in wait. What they look like now will indeed blow your mind, as it did theirs, wallpapering the cavernous interiors of the tomb that echoed their last click.
Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier.
Internet Curio #1: Woman secures a truly memorable life with a shameful death.
I know it’s too early for this, but we’re going to die. Soon. Despite how deeply we’ve loved, how great parents we might be, or much we carry our social mixed sporting team on a Wednesday; as soon as we’re gone, those we love will forget us. It’s our curse. Born by luck, forgotten by an indifferent world. People forget, as they’ve got their own identical unsolvable problem to face.
The only antidote to this is the creation of something that stands long after you’ve fallen. Some create art, some create war, and some create headlines, as is the story about Maryland woman Tracy Garcia who was mauled to death by a roving gang of dachshunds that also apparently go by the street name “sausage dogs”.
According to Oklahoma News 4, the situation unfurled thusly:
“From what it appeared, about seven dogs had attacked her,” Carter County Sheriff Chris Bryant told Oklahoma News Four, adding that when authorities arrived on the scene, one of the dogs charged at them, and they ultimately had to shoot the canine.
“Unfortunately, yes, we had to shoot one dog,” Bryant told the outlet. “It did charge our deputies and to protect our deputies, as well as the medical personnel, we did have to put down a dog.”
For those of you morbid types counting the bodies and not the lesson, the neighbour who owned the remaining six also had them euthanised.
Now, what the story doesn’t tell us, is how it all kicked off.
Was the woman stepping on their turf, or was this the actual moment where dachshunds everywhere drew a line in the sand and finally bit back? If that is the case, we’ve certainly had it coming.
Whatever the case, and how long the coming dog wars will rage for, she will be remembered.
Internet Curio #2: Couple trumps Meghan and Harry in the notable wedding stakes.
Marriage, as the recent Royal Wedding taught us, can be a grating experience. This is especially the case when the Bride or the Groom hails from a background different to the other. In Meghan’s case, it was making her cultural presence felt in an area that hasn’t much cared for a differing culture.
However, those two need to get it on, and move over, as they’ve been surpassed. According to the internet sources (and British tabloid journalism) one South Korean woman found the squid of her dreams (on a blind date, no less), and found herself soon to be blessed with some sort of hideous person/Kraken hybrid. What? Don’t judge their love.
Now, the details were sketchy, but it didn’t stop everyone losing all of their minds about the upcoming nuptials, welcoming the one of ours ascending to the highest throne of Atlantis. For example, an article published by The Sun that read: “Woman ‘pregnant’ with 12 baby squid.” Not to be outdone, the Mirror reported that the South Korean woman had become “pregnant by squid” and warned readers that they should “be careful when putting seafood in your mouth” because “you could end up spitting out babies.”
I’m wondering if those newspapers collectively eye fucked the squid version of Pippa Middleton. Check out that ink sack. Phwoar.
Suffice to say, the original story cropped up in 2012, and the below video proves that the relationship has life.
I’m unsure how long the gestation of a baby squid in a human mouth takes, but guys, we do love a crazy wedding. Stop holding out on us.
Internet Curio #3: Man celebrates fictional lotto win with made up plan to get back at his boss.
As the great internet sage once said, don’t let your dreams be dreams. Lofty. However, in the age where falsehoods are true, and truth is irrelevant; it’s actually quite easy to bring life to your dreams.
Just lie about…just do it.
The following story is completely false, but the relatable brilliance of it makes it true. Yes, it’s the classic hit-the-lotto-quit-your-job-and-get-revenge-on-your-boss trope.
A man from Illinois was arrested for getting $224,000 worth of manure dumped on his former employer’s property, only two weeks after he won $125 million at the lottery and quit his job.
54-year old Brian Morris, from the small town of Clarendon Hills in Dupage County, bought over 20,000 tons of manure and asked for it to be dumped on his former boss’ property, pretending it was his residence … Brian Morris had attracted a lot of media attention two weeks ago after winning $125 million at Powerball Multi-state lottery.
When asked by organizers what he would do with the money, he had simply answered: “Just read the news, you’ll see”.
Clearly, this is a masked jab at the Editor of whoever wrote this, quietly promising what he’d do if he had the money.
That’d show him.
Dream on dreamers, dream on.