While you were asleep: NFL bans protest, Unai to replace Arsene, Twitter discovers Japan

One more sleep. Overnight, the NFL decided to free America, the man to fill Arsene Wenger’s puffy jacket was named and Twitter discovered Japan.



The NFL solves the kneeling protest issue – by banning protest.

In America, Freedom isn’t free – and don’t dare you bend your knee. Now, the NFL might just be football, and we may laugh at its meaningless stupidity, however, to many Americans, it is a proud, truly American establishment. Not everyone votes, but everyone has a team. It’s a binary force draped in the stars and stripes. A winner is crowned through physical exertion, soundtracked by the shriek of an eagle, a flyover of a jet and the chirp of a whistle.

It’s why the whole kneel/don’t kneel for the flag issue has been so contentious, and so lasting. It kind of short-circuits the brain. It’s taking a dump on the Constitution, but it’s also enacting what the Constitution states.

It’s a difficult puzzle to unravel. So, this morning, the NFL decided to simply the issue, by making patriotism mandatory. Which is to say, the right patriotism. Those who kneel, will be brought to justice.



Suffice to say, the internet lost the plot. A quick tour of the comment boxes of the articles on this topic, and the unison anger is obvious. One Facebook user stated: “…personally, I don’t view kneeling during the national anthem as being disrespectful. What I do view as disrespectful, and perhaps unconstitutional, is coercion which forces one to stand,” whereas another planted: “I can’t believe this won’t be challenged as a first amendment violation, as it should be. Taking a knee during the anthem is a respectful form of protest”.

The NFL has just micturated gasoline on an already raging brushfire. Boy, Howdy.




Unai Emery officially named as the successor of Arsene Wenger, gazes at kingdom in ruin.

The reign of Arsene the Foreigner, despite what you may think of it, has forever closed. I am not a Gooner, but I will say he will be missed. He was a man who brought not only beautiful football to my peepers, but also the grand symphony of disorganised complaint to my ears. Truly a man to emulate.

With him now a meme-ory, we shift our attention to the man tasked to fill the shoes of the great* man. Unai Emery is the Hamlet to a departed father. A man of great managerial talent and the trendies Dad hair, Emery is a proven winner on the continent, dragging both the unknown (Sevilla) and the extremely known (Paris St-Germain) to the top of respective heaps.



However, within the castle walls that sits in North London, previous victory or relevance is irrelevant. Coaching one of the largest clubs in England, especially with such an unreasonable fanbase, especially one where there’s always something rotten in the state of Denmark, it’s akin to your first day in prison. You’re back to zero. You need to knife the biggest one in the chow line to garner new respect. Unai, if you’re reading, and I can only assume you are, heed the lessons of that reviled/loved figure in London, Bill Shakespeare: “When sorrows come, they come not single spies. But in battalions, fam!”




Twitter discovers the planet of the Japanese Mascot, decides not to nuke it from Space.

While the answer to the question wtf, Japan? is invariably Japan, it still occasionally behoves one to ask. The land of great conservatism that births great weirdness has struck again, as Twitter has discovered the endlessly enduring/nonsensical landscape of the Japanese mascot.

Over here, a mascot is a thing to throw your refuse at, or occasionally meme. Over there, it’s an institution. As in, the people inside and responsible should be sent to the nearest one.

All Hail Tomaton.





You do you, Japan.

You nutcase.



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