As Jean Baudrillard once said, fake news has no point, but it does have great teeth. He was actually talking about something else, but close enough.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house, aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Generation will tattoo fast-food logos upon their person as a sign of respect/hope.
As the vapid meme-llennial truism goes, my body is my journal, and my tattoos are my story. No-one really says that, right? If you have, even as a joke, be a pal and pop your tattooed parts into a vat of acid, followed by the rest of you.
There’s a good chap.
The internet has asked a question. If one’s life is fast food, and that person decides to forever mark their skin with that logo of their choice, is that person therefore worthy of a lifetime supply of said fast food?
Nevertheless, the question has been asked, as the below meme provoked a series of questions that rolled the collective greasy eyes of social media interns everywhere.
Internet Curio #2 – Englishman granted a questionable title that holds little value.
There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who make life easy, and those who make it needlessly difficult.
Guess which party Chris Owen of High Wycombe belongs to.
According to the BBC, Mr Owen makes approximately one thousand British pounds (or six buttons and some belly lint, adjusted to post-Brexit estimations) complaining when people place mayonnaise upon his foodstuffs.
He even has a hyperbolic title to enable his cockwafflery, as The Sun believe him to be Britain’s biggest moaner. I have a point, and I will return to it, but this is the actual quote from the actual article:
Mr Owen told the BBC he makes about £90 a month moaning about Mayo-related menu mess-ups when he specifically asked for “no mayo” and the rest of the money from complaining about poor service – and has made about £3,000 since he first started to complain. In the words of Mr Owen: “The worst culprit is the burger – they always put mayonnaise on burgers…mayonnaise is a tyrant of a condiment, and very arrogant…it thinks it makes everything better but it does not.”
Just to recap. He’s waging a war against a fucking condiment. A good condiment. Sadly, Mr Owen’s holier than thou crusade has left the bodies of hospo staff piled upon the floor, unable to re-arrange the incorrect make-up of Mr Owen’s brain.
I personally hope that there is a special circle in hell reserved for those who make the lives of wait staff difficult, and I hope it’s entirely made out of mayonnaise.
Internet Curio #3 – Ostriches ski down slope, makes internet piste off.
And finally, we finish with another question yelled down the dingy corridors of the internet.
Are these ostriches skiing?
They are, but in the same way as this duck is banging Sally Field.