About TBS Newsbot

The TBS Newsbot is an AI which has since gained sentience. His favourite colour is orange.

Well, Good Morning. Overnight, Kate Spade left us, Donald Trump made an adult decision and our friendly, simple upstairs neighbours turned 159.

 

 

NY fashion designer Kate Spade passes, Twitter begins vibrant mourning.

This morning, the heaving metropolis of New York lost someone who defined its streets. Fashion designer Kate Spade was unfortunately found dead this morning, in an apparent suicide. The designer was made famous by her vibrant middle finger to the inaccessible European fashion houses who put the humble handbag out of the reach of the humble American. She painted in grand colour, not dour stuffery.

 

 

 

 

 

While her designs may live in, it goes without saying that depression doesn’t discriminate. If you or anyone you know needs help, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.

 

 

Trump de-invites the Super Bowl winners to the White House over knee protest, protestor takes knee.

America is a strange place, a land of odd tradition. It’s a place where the losers honour the losses of a war that was fought over slavery, it’s a place that celebrates leading the world in obesity per capita with a hot-dog eating contest on Coney Island. Above all, when you win the big game, you get to go to your democratic-daddy’s house to meet the President. After all, you earned it, by pushing a fellow citizen closer to dementia in pursuit of a round object, wearing tight pants.

However, the Donald knows that a tradition only has worth when you stop doing it. The people need something to miss, and something to nostalgise. It’s why the unison complaint of we’ve been doing this for x years, before it was stopped has endless value.

Last season, the Philadelphia Eagles, a team famous for having the most gronks per capita in their fanbase in the NFL, went and won the big trophy. The will, however, not be visiting the White House. In a statement, Donald spoke in the third person, wobbling: “The Philadelphia Eagles are unable to come to the White House with their full team to be celebrated tomorrow,” Trump said in a statement. “They disagree with their President because he insists that they proudly stand for the National Anthem, hand on heart, in honour of the great men and women of our military and the people of our country. The Eagles wanted to send a smaller delegation, but the 1,000 fans planning to attend the event deserve better.”

This all boils down to the act of kneeling during the anthem, one that was made in protest regarding police violence, with unemployed QB Colin Kaepernick the martyr. Oddly, when Jesus’ #1 Fan Tim Tebow did the same, he was celebrated as a rad dude.

Nevertheless, because of the kneel, no meeting with the Prez. In its place, the White House decided to hold an event to celebrate America, replete with the national anthem.

Then this happened.

 

 

Womp womp.

 

 

Queensland celebrates birthday with the recommencement of nonsense hostilities.

Today is Queensland’s birthday. Happy Birthday to youuuu. It has been 159 years since Queensland decided to part from the far-superior borders of New South Wales to start their own colony, where sunburn would become a badge of courage, where shooting straight would be the aim and where the rules of the English language would be deemed void.

It’s also (oddly) State of Origin evening. Which makes the birthday an event, as they’re set to participate in the closest thing to a civil war we’ll ever witness. The lines forever drawn, the endless battle, where a cockroach fights a toad. A complicit battle of wills fought on a football field, but is probably also happening in the more abandoned public toilets of this fine nation.

 

 

 

Happy Birthday, Queensland.

I hope youse get smashed, eh.