Fake News, the boulevard of broken links. This week, a deliveryman delivered street justice, Melania Trump asked Twitter to save her, and coconut water became the lifeblood of us all.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Woman orders to KFC to kill a spider, defines the ambition of a generation.
I know what you’re thinking. What the fuck, KFC deliver? Apparently, in the UK, the land of Byron, Chavs and inter-generational unemployment, the answer is yes. Nevertheless, is there any truth to the tale of the woman getting her delivery driver to eliminate an eight-legged interloper?
Sadly, yes. And I weep for the future.
My fear of spiders was taken to a whole new level today in which I ordered food in a hope that the delivery driver would remove the spider..
— Demi (@demiswn) 30 May 2018
The real victim of the piece is her delivery driver, other than working around Demi’s assumption that all fast food employees are genocidal maniacs, it seems that he was similarly scared of spiders. However, seeing as the customer is always seemingly right, Demi was able to bully the driver into getting rid of it.
The kicker is, that Demi, bless her, also managed to order two identical meals.
How has she survived her 22 years is beyond me.
Internet Curio #2 – Melania responds to joke tweet that pleaded for her rescue with a tweet that pleaded for her rescue.
The idea that Melania Trump is a prisoner against her will, stuck in Trump Tower with nothing to do but twist her weave into a rope to enable her escape. Look, here’s an article on that very topic. #SaveMelania. Like all great hostages and glum wives alike, we all search for clues for their unhappiness, and reason to call the rozzers.
According to Twitter, we have such a slice of said evidence, as there are apparently hidden messages in the very thing that the Trump bloodline loves most of all.
Wait a minute pic.twitter.com/V7S93anMFB
— Felipe Sobreiro (@therealsobreiro) 31 May 2018
Sadly, the above is a joke. However, it’s one so pointed that the real Melania took to Twitter to explain that everything is fine and dandy.
I see the media is working overtime speculating where I am & what I’m doing. Rest assured, I’m here at the @WhiteHouse w my family, feeling great, & working hard on behalf of children & the American people!
— Melania Trump (@FLOTUS) 30 May 2018
Or does she? If you look for the hidden message in this tweet, her plea for safety becomes obvious, and I slight departure here, but also the first steps from her divorce from Donald.
“What am I doing?”
Internet Curio #3 – Coconut water a plasma solution as well as a wallpaper for a boring personality.
As the rest of us understand, those who live in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney, those who influence Instagram and return cafe orders, are not like the rest of us. In fact, as the rumour goes, if you were to sever one of their limbs, it would not be blood that dropped from the wound, but coconut water.
Over in Sri Lanka, they’ve taken it a step further claiming that the blood of the trust-fund vapid can actually be used as a substitute for plasma for we normal folk.
In a column published in the Sri Lankan Sunday Observer, they stepped to surgical hyperbole, calling coconut water the fluid of life, stating that it could be used as a stand-in for blood plasma “because it is sterile, pyrogen-free and does not produce heat, and does not destroy blood cells.” Health-related websites like Body Ecology and Listverse have made similar claims.
It is, of course, not true. In the same way we cannot use plasma from a horse can we use the blood of a totally different species. I mean, what next? Do we extract the nectar from what they survive on for our own gain?
There’s hardly any meat on a social media like.